Jokes ! please feel free to add some jokes.
17 November 2007
Wow! this side-splitting page has NOW been viewed more than
so somebody out there is
"I've never laughed so much!"
said one well known reader.
(add more jokes by clicking on "Add your Comment" below. It's open to everybody - so add your joke.)
Wow! this side-splitting page has NOW been viewed more than 50,000 times
so somebody out there is
.....laughing !!
"I've never laughed so much!"
said one well known reader.
Arguably the most famous Jokes Page in all Kent!
(add more jokes by clicking on "Add your Comment" below. It's open to everybody - so add your joke.)
- THE LUCKY JOKE: This is a joke that should bring you luck.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open
a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president's office.The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse n his desk
and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that
she made bets.The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"The elderly woman replied,
"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square. "The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at thepresident and said,
"Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that mytesticles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back
at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one couldconsider his testicles
as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged
the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.The president confirmed that the bet was the
same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him todrop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could
see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president
if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, youshould be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly thepresident noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was
doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be
holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
- A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back,
and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first
try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of
the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."
- Harold, who is 95, lives in a nursing home Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the nursing home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the nursing home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's." - Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?" - It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words......these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2
Sexy frog
A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet, and notices a box full of live frogs with a sign "Sex Frogs! Only£10 each! Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde is quite excited, so she buys the frog, takes the box home, and follows the instructions which state:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog, but nothing happens much to her disappointment, so phones the pet store where the owner says he'll be right over.
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The bloody frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me you dum frog! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
- Boots and Condoms
A man was in a long queue at his local Boots store. As he got to the checkout he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The man replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the checkout, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One packet of large condoms to checkout 5."
The man behind thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When it was his turn at the checkout, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get some condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the checkout.
She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One packet of medium condoms to checkout 5."
A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the checkout he told her he too needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his trousers, which he did.
She reached over the checkout, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said................
"Mop and bucket to checkout 5."
Very lol!!! all those jokes are blistering...gosh so funny!
That well known cherubie chappie has sent me this amusing anecdote one..which is very relevent in a certain household i wont mention !
Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00am Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favourite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now.- Little Jonny in trouble again.
Little Jonny comes home from school & tells his parents he's been suspended.
"What for?" asks his dad. "Well the teacher asked what's 2 x 3, and I said 6. Then she asked what's 3 x 2."
"What's the fecking difference?" asks his dad, "That's what I said" says Jonny. - Yorkshire story
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says
"Had him circumcised..."
- Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever >> sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk whenI was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a dam liar. He never did any of that stuff."
- Aah jeeeez some crackers there...great fun.
NOTE: we are getting new additions added to this new section that should make it clearer to follow.
ahhh now, that well known cherubie chappie, who lives not a million miles from Boland Towers, and is always good for a larf, sent me this cracker this morning so he did...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!
- An old jew
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old jew at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asks, "Do you have any water?"
The Jew replied, "I have no water, would you like to buy a tie? they are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "IDIOT! I have no need for an overpriced tie.I need water, I should kill you, but I need to find water first"
"Ok," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about 2 miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggers back.
"YOUR F*****G BROTHER WONT LET ME IN WITHOUT A TIE"
***********************
- Ah jeez...thats a cracker !
- An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help
>in reviving her husband's libido.
>
>"What about trying Viagra?" asks the Doctor?
>
>"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"
>
>"Not to Fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."
>
>"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"
>
>"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He
>won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try, and call me
>in a week and let me know how things went."
>
>It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
>inquired as to the progress.
>
>The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
>horrid, just terrible, doc!"
>
>"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
>
>"Well, I did as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his
>morning coffee and it took effect immediately. He jumped hisself
>straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging
>fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a
>flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making
>wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a
>nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
>
>"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband
>gave you wasn't any good?"
>
>"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!" T'was the best sex
>I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never
>be able to show me face in Starbucks again!!!!!!!
- Thats a great one from Gypsy Rose above..luvit...here's another blinder from that nitro powered cherubie chappie who lives not a million miles away from the Towers.....
"
Young New Doctor
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the examining room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor then marched down the hallway to the back where the first young doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new young doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said...
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
" - An easy quiz?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
All done? Check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1)How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
What do you mean you failed?
- Little Jurgen
So this history teacher in a German primary school sets the kids some homework - find out what your granddad did in WWII. Next day, she's asking questions round the class.
"Vell Heike, Vot dit your grandvater do zen?"
" Ach, he voz a locomotive driver"
"Sehr gut, how are you knowing zis?"
" Ve haf der picture und he is vearing his locomotive driver's uniform und you can see der grosse train..."
"Ach, gut so, und Fritz, vot did your granvater do, heh?"
" Mein grandvater voz a doctor"
"Und how are you knowing zis Fritz?"
" Ve have der picture von him und he is vearing his weisse coat und has a stethoscope..."
"Das ist schone! Jurgen, vot about your grandvater zen?"
"Mein grandvater voz an electrician"
"Und tell me, how are you knowing zis information?"
" Ve haf ein foto und he has two bolts of lightening on his hat!"
- Twins on a Paris Trip
Twins on Paris trip
An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysées with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Bobby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.
Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?
Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.
Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?
Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Bobby?
Bobby: Aye.
Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.
Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.
Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.
Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Bobby?
Bobby: Aye.
Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.
Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs
Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?
Bobby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!
- Dwarf Nuns
The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting....
"Grumpy sh****d a penguin! Grumpy sh****d a penguin
- THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
- I will have a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!!!!
- Ah great contributions there from Gypsy and from Harry as ever. Keef like it said on your school report..."must try harder" although I like that old one.
Here's another blinder in from that political nitro powered cheruby chappie who lives not a million miles away from yours truly... here we go..keep em coming Nitro!
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow, through some very poor planning, ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "Noooo thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.
"
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you" Mr.Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like". - FOLLOWING THE OUTRAGE CAUSED BY NAMING A TEDDY BEAR MOHAMEDIN SUDAN.
SOOTY HAS NOW CANCELLED HIS PLANNED TOUR OF JAMAICA - Everything you could wish for?
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,
"It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar."
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket - removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis the nectar of the Gods!" st ated the Irishman. "Truly fantastic."
At thi s point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed -
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
- Convent life
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
- Job Interview
chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"
Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
- Problem
I bought a teddy bear for a tenner, I named him Mohammed, then a week later i sold him for twenty quid.
My promlem is "have i made a prophet?"
- Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged!
1. Schizophrenia
-- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2. Amnesia
--I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4. Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode)
-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......
5. Multiple Personality Disorder
-- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
6. Paranoid
-- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7. Borderline Personality Disorder
-- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8. Antisocial Personality Disorder
-- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
-- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
10. Agoraphobia
-- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11. Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia
-- Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and undies
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder
-- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder
-- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
AND FINALLY:
14. Attention Deficit Disorder
-- We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
Have a good one!
Jeane x - Ah great ones there...here's another little gem just in from a nitro powered cherrubie chappie who's always good for a larf...
its only a bit o fun
"
A man was depressed last night so he called the Samaritans.
He got through to a call centre in the Middle East.
When he told them he was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if he could fly a plane !!
The trouble with out-sourcing call-centres:
" - Wales
Two tourists are driving through wales, at llanhyfryddawellehynafaddynussyllan they stop
for lunch and ask the waitress,
"before we order, can you please settle an argument for us? would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
the waitress leans over and says..
"burrrrr-gurrrrrr-kinngggg.." - Ah Jeez thats a geat one Harry...I told that to Briony today and we laughed out loud! Luvit!
- Happy New Year to everyone ...
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was..
CELEBRATE
- Some hot jokes in from that Nitro powered cheruby chappie...and very good too, made me lol so they did . I'll let the jokes do the talking.....
According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00 the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
- A doctor in Belfast wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant: "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care of all me patients".
"Well Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol".
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir",
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this,I might do it again. So what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Ah now Sir that was a bit more difficult, I was sitting here minding me own business, so I was and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does.
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her wee panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Thunderin lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes, so I did Sir"
- Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him less than horny, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you £30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom.
But we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
*********************************************
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers…
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
- Ah love those Harry..you are doing some great ones there as ever.
- An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. - Not a Joke just life in general.
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.
GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died. ...)
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken ho mes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that takes our breath away.
George Carlin - Ah..here's another good little one in from that Nitro powered cherubby chappie. Keep 'em coming ladz!
The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." - THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
- Anatomy
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , D.C. , shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought.
Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
Roger- Another Genie joke
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into it and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. Then he pulls from the bag a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! piano concerto 5
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
- Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill ?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill , you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill , what happened?'
'I got fired.'
' No , Bill . I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'
- IRISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon .....
.........
.........
"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Roger - So True...
School 1960 vs. School 2008
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best.Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for
graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay. - The perfect man, the perfect woman and the tooth fairy are all sitting around a table but there is only one cup of coffee. Who picks it up?
The perfect woman picks it up. We all know the others dont exist. - A retired gentalman went to the social security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left it at home. He told the woman he was sorry he had seemed to have left it at home and that he would return later that day with it. The woman says, unbutton your shirt. So he does, that silver hair is proof enough for me and she processes his claim.
Later that day he returns home to his wife and tells her what happened at the dss office. She replies you should of dropped your pants, you might of got disability living allowence too. - A man, his wife and his mother in law went on holiday to the holy land. While they were there the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them, You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the holy land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, Why would you spend £5000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the holy land and spend only £150?.
The man replied "a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just cant take that chance. - A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and
it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....
four-sprung Duck technique
.
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car. .. and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
... . and that's when the fight started . . .
- Golf Accident
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does
that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great . . . but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
SIX AFFAIRS...........
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
- My Next Life
I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your Last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
- Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my tackle in your left hand and the old man in yer right hand"
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer tackle in one hand
and yer old man in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !" - Ah jeez some o' them jokes are hysterical..honest to gawd!!
Absolutely hysterical - well done chaps. - Wife From Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
- Wedding night...Oop North.
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
- THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied s he
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk..
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it
off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'
- GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
" DON'T !"
"Don 't what ? "
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.
"Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
" No Way ! "
"Yes way ! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit ! "
said God.
"Why ? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.
"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.
"Then why did you ? "
said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it ! "
Adam said.
"Did not ! "
"Did too ! "
"DID NOT ! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own
6. We child proofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
- The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted - An old Irish Joke
Paddy and Mick worked together at Marks and Spencers and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs".
The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy £180 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, "diesel fitter". Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £360 a week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The Clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour.
"What skill?" yelled Paddy "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
- Not a new one, but still very good - worth another airing.
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine theory...
A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items on his desk in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'YES.'
The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first', he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the good things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'
Roger - Teachings of Zen.......
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just Piss
off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you
aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you Fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or
dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for
you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that
person
again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember
anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and
most
of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when
your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get
slapped
on our arse ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
21. Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set
a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his >
life.
22. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
23. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's
the time to do it.
Roger
- Ah jeezez some o' these are very funny...loved the irish one " diesel fitter"
also loved item 19 in Rogers, made me laugh so it did.
we are slapped on the arse and it all goes down hill from there...how true!! - Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell,
'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd
bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, He became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get For five pounds, you tight bastard?!'
Roger - Imagine the dilemma if this was you...???
Imagine this..You're in Florida..There is chaos all around, a hurricane is raging,.. flooding and destruction everywhere you look,.. you are surrounded by tragedy.
You're a CNN photographer looking for that one in a million picture that will get you international recognition.
Nature is showing her most destructive power, whole houses are being washed away, there is debris everywhere....Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying prevent himself from being drowned......
You move closer...
Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you realise who it is.........It's George W Bush !
You know that any second, the swirling raging waters could take him away, forever.
You have just two options....You can save the life of George W. or, you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photograph, a unique picture showing the death of the world's most powerful man.
NOW FOR YOUR DILEMMA (Please give an honest answer)
Would you select a colour shot, or go for the simplicity of classic black and white
- Special offers....
A bloke and his wife were shopping in Sainsbury's when the guy spotted a special offer....12 cans of Stella for £10.
He picked up a pack and placed them in the trolley, his wife immediately removed them, saying "They cost ten pounds, that's Far too expensive." and she put them back on the shelf.
In the next aisle she picked up a £25 jar of face cream and placed in the trolley. Her husband said "Hey, hold on a minute, that way too expensive."
The woman said "But it helps to make me look beautiful."
He said....
"So do twelve cans of Stella....... but at less than half the bloody price"
- Ah Jeez Im hysterical that made me laugh out loud Harry !!
Maybe one day we should publish a book of Doverforum jokes..
The Doverforum Joke Book. - Colchester blonde
A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night he was doing a show in a Colchester nightspoth.
With his dummy on his knee, he had just started going through his usual 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row from the front suddenly stood up and shouted...............
"Hey. !...... I've heard enough of your insulting jokes about blondes, who gave you the right to stereotype women in such a way?.......
Since when did the colour of a woman's hair determine her worth as a human being?. It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, it also prevents us from reaching our full potential as a person. ......
You, and people like you, continue to perpetuate this discrimination, not only against blondes but women in general........ And all in the name of so called humour...!!!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist started to stammer an aplology, when the blonde shoted out again
"Hey, you stay out of this mister, ,,,,I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
- Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machines and parking meters.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- WHO IS ''''JACK SCHITT'''''
WHO IS ''''JACK SCHITT''''' ?????????????..
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond
in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack
and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they
produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you
can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
- 2008 Tax Code ( A bit rude)
2008 Tax Code
The only thing that Alistair Darling and Gordon Brown have not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is
pissed off, and 1% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has
two dependents, and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER,
effective April 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed
according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax £300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax £250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax £150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax £30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a (small) tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
It goes without saying that our illustrious MP's will be able to reclaim this tax against expenses, even those without the necessary equipment. In fact, female and gay MP's will be able to make multiple claims as they will have access to more than one penis. To prevent lesbian MP's from being left out they will also be able to claim on the grounds that they are rubbing shoulders with enough dick-heads all day to qualify.
- Call Centre
THE LAST ONE IS AN ABSOLUTE CLASSIC!!
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
- One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, he"? Quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy
"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you into the car"? Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied,
":Listen Dad, you bought the dam Skoda, you live with it."
- No enemies
The Minister was giving a sermon on loving your neighbor and forgiving your enemies.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
- An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well."
An old joke which most Americans find is funny, lots do not, but hey it is a joke.
**************************************
Open Letter
To the citizens of the United States of America. In light of your failure to elect a competent President, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories –
Except Utah - which she does not really fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed. To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a gameWhich is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strips, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser(as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).
12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
- Harry, that's a great one, never heard it before. I take in to account that the america's or colonies as they are now known, are also getting rid of McDonalds,KFC,Burger King and other fast food outlets to be replaced with curry & chip emporiums.
- Yes these jokes are the best ever...so funny. I just love that one about the Skoda..gawd I laughed out loud at that one.
- Thanks for the comments, ghere is another one.
Sally walks the dog
Little Sally asked her mummy if she could take the dog for a walk
Her Mother said "No, she's in season"
"What does that mean?" Sally asked.
"Go and ask your Daddy, he's in the garage." said Sally's mum.
Sally went out to the garage "Daddy, I wanted to take the dog for a walk, but mummy said I couldn't because she's in season, and to come and ask you."
Her dad said "Bring the dog over here Sally." he got a rag and soaked it with petrol, then he scrubbed the dogs backside with it to disguise her scent.
He said to Sally "OK, you can go now, but make sure you keep the dog on the lead and only go round the block once."
Five minutes later Sally was back....No dog....No lead.!!
Her surprised Dad said "Where's the dog?"
Sally replied...."Well, when we were only half way round the block she ran out of petrol.......and another dog is pushing her home."
- Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If that dam bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog & quick."
- An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table. Alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from. She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note said "For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I have a Ferrari testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over 20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches! Just send the bottle back.
- Pet shop
A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "You've got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!"
A Tortoise in the back shouts, "You baaaa*****d!"
- lol!!!!!!! Great ones chaps!
You know a little bird whistling on the wind told me that local political legend David Hannent uses the jokes from this page in his after dinner speaking engagements..well I never. The fame of the jokes page has spread far and wide. So there, not a lot of people know that!
Ah Jeez I still love the one about the Skoda ! oh stop or I'll start laughin again so I will.
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, Shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his BLOODY widow."- KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Cake or Bed
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
"FINE!" she says.
THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!"
"FINE!" SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
- The Lie Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where's President Bush's clock then?” asked the man.
“"Bush" Oh! his clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.”
- The Widow
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT
RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE
APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms
or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?!" the widow said.
"Just look at you .. you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled,
"Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently,
"Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
- A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”
“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
“What?” she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”
- A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, 'Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Dave. 'He's on my bowling team.'When they are seated, a
waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser? ''She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey.. We share lanes with them.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says 'Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door he jumps in beside her. e tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says,
'Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.' - Calm down! Calm down!
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one
after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
Miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
``````````````
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black
Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the
meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
```````````````
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
`````````````````````
A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool shirt and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby on
the wall. He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're going?"
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I
think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the
Dice Pal," The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"
The barman replies: "You get another go.."
**********************************
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She
asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you an
Arsenal fan?"
"Because my mum is an Arsenal fan, and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason
for you to be a Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a shop lifter and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
- one for the fly high club
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
- EU Directive No.
PI55
In order to meet the conditions for creating a Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase..........
'Spending a Penny'
is not to be used after 31st December 2008.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention - Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Johnny,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and
whispers,
"What'd you get?"
Four months holiday and five good leads."
- An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all dat skippin"
- Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene:
What in the hell is that?
Jane:
A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene:
Where did you get it?
Jane:
You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted. - Paddy and Mick, Lost at sea
Paddy and Mick were in a lifeboat after their Irish freighter had suddenly caught fire and sunk.
While he was rummaging about through the boats provisions Paddy found an old lamp and thought ...."Bejasus, why not?" and began to rub it furiously, sure enough out popped a genie.
The genie announced that on this occasion he was only able to grant just one wish. instead of the usual three.
Without hesitation, Paddy blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into Guinness"
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly the sea around them became foamy black Guinness.
As the genie disappeared Paddy leaned over the side and took a great long drink of the best Guinness he'd ever tasted in his life.
When he'd finished, he sat back, foam dripping from his chin...
Mick looked at Paddy with disgust and after several tension filled seconds... said...."Nice going Paddy.....be-gorra, now we're gonna have to pee in the dam boat !!!"
- three nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are met by Saint Peter. He says...."Sisters, you have all led such wonderful lives I am now going to grant you each six months back on earth to be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says "I wanna to be Sophia Loren." .....Poof !, she's
gone in an instant.
The second nun said "I wanna to be Madonna" ........Poof !, she's
gone too.
The third nun (true blonde) said "I wanna be Sara Pipilini."
Saint peter was perplexed, he'd never heard the name. "Who?"
he asked.
The "Sara Pipilini" repeated the nun.
Saint peter shook his head and said "I'm sorry there's no such name."
The nun then took an old newspaper from the pocket of her habit and handed it to Saint Peter.
He took the paper and began to read , then he burst out laughing.
He handed her back the paper and said kindly, "I'm afraid you've got it wrong sister.
What the paper actually says, is that it's the Sahara Pipeline, and it was laid by 1,400 men in six months
- GOVERNMENT
A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.
- Jailed
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all get done for armed robbery, rape and murder. The Judge sentences them to fifty years in prison. However, the Judge allows the condemmened three to each pick one 'luxury' item that they can have in endless quantities.
The Englishman thinks for a while. "I choose women." So off he goes to his cell with a few beautiful young girls.
The Scotsman says, "Whisky!" So off he goes with gallons of the stuff.
The Irishman grins and says, "I want cigarettes." And he gets his wish.
Fifty years later the cells are opened up and the men released.
First, the englishman, who appears knackered, with a trail of wives and kids behind him.
Next the door to the Scotsman cell is opened. It reeks of stale p*ss and whisky and the Jock is singing wildly, trashed off his face.
The third cell is opened and the Irishman sticks his head out and says, "Has anybody got a light?"
- Kids Imagination
A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
"I'm a truck driver and are driving all over the world." The boy responds.
Next, the psychologist sees another boy doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
"I'm sorting out his wife while he's gone"
- Jeeeez Harry..they are hysterical !!! so funny!
..anybody got a light !!!!!!! - Getting Old
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
>A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
>Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
>The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
>'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
>'Twelve thirty.'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
>
>Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
>'Sure.'
>'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
>'No, I can remember it.'
>'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
>He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
>'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
>Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
>Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
>The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
>'Where's my toast ?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he did n't need my help to leave the hospital.
>After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
>On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
>
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like, he can't chase after you, tee hee .............. - Camel Sex
A new American Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in
a remote post in The Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection
of the outfit, he Noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know,
there are 250 men Here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I
understand About 'urges', so the camel can stay .'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his
own 'urges'. Crazy With passion, he asks the
Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting A
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
ladder, pulls his Pants down and has wild, insane
sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks The
Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No not really, sir..They usually just ride the
camel into town...... where the girls are.' - THE SPEECH THERAPIST
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her 'Stammerers Action' group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make mad and passionate love with you..'
“So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up, “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That's no use, Trevor”, said the speech therapist, “Who's next..?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
“That's no better. There'll be no mad, passionate love for you either I'm afraid, Hamish”. “How about you, Paddy..?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, “London”.
'”That's Brilliant, Paddy”, said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise and make mad and passionate love with paddy..'
.
After 15 minutes of activity, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, “…d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
- Whats the difference between god and Bono?
God doesn't walk the streets of Dublin thinking he's Bono! - Rodeo Sex
Two guys in the bar are discussing the various methods of sexual gratification
When one turns to the other and asks “Have you ever tried Rodeo sex?”
“What’s that?” asks his mate.
Well says the first guy "when your making love to the wife and you are going well, you call out her sisters or best friends name, then just see how long you can hang on for"
- Alan Sugar
I was at a posh dinner last night and I was introduced to Alan Sugar. He seemed to be a very nice bloke, so I said to him,
"Alan, what does a million years mean to you?"
He answered, ...."Same as a minute"
I then asked, "Alan what does a million quid mean to you?"
He thought for a couple of seconds, then said "About the same as a penny does to you."
I said ...."Can I borrow a penny?"
He said..."In a minute"
- Why we are Low on oil
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
'Nobody' has bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in :
The North Sea, off Aberdeen, offshore from Norfolk
Our DIPSTICKS Are located in Downing Street
- Tough mice...
Three mice were stood at the bar having a few drinks and shouting off about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams down a shot of booze and says, "Let me tell you guys something.....When I spot a mousetrap with cheese in it, I go straight for the cheese. When it snaps, I grab the bar as its on the way down, then bench press it a dozen times or so before I'm outta there."
The second mouse throws down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?...When I find a pile of poisoned rodent bait, I crush it then I snort it ....just like cocaine" then he downed another shot and banged his glass down on the bar.
The first two mice then started looking at the other one to see what he was going to say for himself.
He fired down his shot, then started heading for the door. His mates looked at each other, then at him and said ..."Hey, where the hell are YOU going...?"
As he reached the door, he turned, then said..........."I havent got time for this crap..........I'm going home... to screw the cat !"
>CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS
>
>
>
>She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
>Crates and suitcases .
>
>On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .
>
>On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
>beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some
>soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
>a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
>
>When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
>
>She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,
> all was bliss for the first few days .
>Then slowly, the house began to smell .
>
>They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .
>
>Vents were checked for dead rodents and
>carpets were steam cleaned .
>
>Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought
>in to set off gas canisters, during which they had
> to move out for a few days and in the end they even
>paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
>Nothing worked!!!
>
>People stopped coming over to visit.Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit
>
>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer
>
>and decided to move.A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
>
>they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .
>
>Word got out and eventually even the local realtors
> refused to return their calls .
>
>Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money
> from the bank to purchase a new place .
>
>The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .
>
>He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .
>
>Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .
>
>She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .
>
>A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling
>as they watched the moving company pack everything
>to take to their new home...
>
>And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!
>
>
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
>
>
>
>
>
- LONDON TIMES OBITUARY OF THE LATE MR COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the
burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.'
And a little extra........................
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600
employees and has the following statistics ?
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
4 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organization is this ?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that
cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.
- There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting:
>
>30% of women think their arse is too fat............
>
>10% of women think their arse is too skinny......
>
>The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world
>
>Life in the Australian Army...
>
>Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
>
>Dear Mum & Dad,
>I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is be tter than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart be fore the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, be cause ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do be fore brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
>
>At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered be cause we've be en on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>
>This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows be fore the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
>
>Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fightingwith Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve andMuzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
>Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this onebloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but Ifought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
>
>I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick be fore word gets around howbloody good it is.
>
>Your loving daughter,
>
>Sheila- Irish dwarf
An Irish dwarf goes to see his doctor, about a pain in his marital equipment.
Doctor snips about with A pair of scissors, to which the dwarf says, "thats better, what did you do?"
The doctor says,"I cut the top off your wellies."
- Paddy's Poker Game
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,
"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? Am I not the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost £5000 and is afraid to come home"
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
- Amish joke
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied,
"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied,
"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did so and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,
"My nose is cold."
The girl replied
"Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did so and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said,
"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies,
"They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
- Job offer
A guy walked into his local dole office in Liverpool and said to the assistant "You know, I hate signing on, I'd much rather have a steady job.
The assistant picked up a file and said, "You have excellent timing, this job opening has just come in from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
Because of the long hours, you would be expected to live in the two bed roomed apartment above the garage, where the top of the range Mercedes you will drive is kept. All your food, clothing and expenses will be provided.
You would also be expected to escort the daughter on long overseas holidays, maybe three or four times a year.... and if asked,... satisfy her sexual needs.
The job also comes with a salary of £48, 000 a year."
The guy stared in wide eyed amazement,..."You're bullshitting me" he said at last...
The assistant said "Yeah, well you started it."
- An Irish Ghost Story...
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, could only watch and pray - but the hand never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying with terror and relief - and that he was stone cold sober.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..
'Look Paddy.....there's that fuukin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
- ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams, these are modern times. you
gotta let your rose buds show!'
And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she
has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. - 2 nuns
Two nuns had front row seats for a darts competition.
The first player aimed and threw,scoring treble twenty..
He threw his next dart and scored single twenty.
His last dart hit the wire and re-bounded into the front row.
It hit one nun in the head killing her instantly.
The crowd went silent.....then the referee called out.
"One nun dead and eighty!"
Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry - A frog went into a bank and asked to see the loan adviser, he was directed to a Mr Patrick Wack. The frog sat down and asked Mr Wack if he could borrow 25,000 pounds, Mr Wack looked down his nose at the frog and in a very pompous voice asked who he was, if he had a guarentor and what collateral he'd put up. The frog answered that his name was Kermit Jagger and that his dad would be his guarentor, his dad Mick Jagger. Then as collateral he put a little wooden elephant on the desk. Mr Wack looked with distaste at the elephant and said that he'd have to check with his boss. He went into the back office.
"Sir I have a frog out front who calls himself Kermit Jagger, he says his dad is Mick Jagger. He wants to borrow 25,000 pounds and he's putting up this elephant as collateral, what is it and what should I do?"
His boss replies...
"It's a nick nack Paddy Wack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone" - Is it just me, or do others think that some of these jokes should not be on this forum? If it was a closed forum which members had to sign into, it might be a different matter, but this is open to everyone to see. Some of the language and some of the content, I think, is not appropriate. I hope Mr Boland might feel the same remove them.
- Hello Mr Mitchell..thanks for your comment.
Generally I think the jokes are okay, of course many are a bit saucy, a bit rude, but one kind of expects that with jokes nowadays, and many are very funny and therefore entertaining.
Many are jingoistic..if you believe some of the jokes, me being Irish well I should be as thick as two short planks, which is clearly not the case(!!)
We wouldnt want anyone to be offended and would not publish anything of a more pornographic nature or anything to do with children.
Just a note on accessability:
All our pages are open to everyone to view. People everywhere can contribute to all parts of this website..Open Letters, Comments, Politics and so on....but.. The Letters Club is restricted as only members can post there, but everyone can read everything. - Dear Mr Boland
Thank you for your reply. I think everyone would accept that some are a bit saucy, but I think that one or two overstep the mark. I know that only members can post on your Letters Club page, but everything can be read by everybody - children included. I'll leave it to your judgment.
Fred - I like the site as it is but,if anybody is offended by the contents,maybe a "Parental Guidance"should be in place referring to some of the contents which may be for the broadminded and viewing by younger users should be monitored by adults.
- Welcome Steve (all the way from the USof A).Hope you are able to visit and enjoy Dover one day with all its magnificent history and buildings.
Marek - Hi,Marek,
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Before coming here I lived and worked in Dover after I was demobbed-I come back often but see many changes in the town(some not for improvement) in the town and people.
Awra best,Steve. - One-liners
Peter Kay’s One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks an d stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks likes it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
- The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.'
'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home??
- Jason
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called in Jason the
twelve year old kid from next door. ( whose bedroom looks like Mission Control from Star-Trek)
I explained the problem to him and after a few minutes at the keyboard he'd sorted everything out.
I gave him a fiver and as he was leaving, I said "So, what was wrong? "
He replied it was an "I. D. Ten. T" error.
Not wanting to seem stupid in front of the kid, I nonetheless asked, " An "I. D. Ten. T" error. ? What's that,? in case I need to fix it again.
Jason grinned and said ....."You mean you don't know what an
"I. D. Ten. T" error is?"
"No" I replied.
"Write it down" he said, "I think you'll work it out then."
So I wrote down I.D.10.T.
*
*
I used to like Jason ...........The little b***ard..........
- Late for work
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work rate, you do a first class job, but you're being late so often is quite problem."
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, General."
- Overheard in the NAAFI
A young fresh faced soldier lost his head durring a fire fight and run for cover some distance from the action.
He had not only lost his prized berret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.
He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a strong hand grip his shoulder and a calming voice behind him say "what the hell do you think your doing here soldier think of the regiment....get back there and do what your paid to do".....
The young soldier got himself back under control and said..
"sorry mate your right"
The voice behind him bellowed "MATE...I'm your bloudy C.O. soldier"
The young soldier replied "Sorry Sir I didn't realise I'd run Back that far.....
- According to this mornings paper this is Britain's pldest recognisable joke.
"What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke a hole that it has often poked before?
A key.
(Says a lot for a British tradition of monogamy - and smutty minds)
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So, the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."- AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
I think I'm coming down with it!
And it doesn't discriminate between males and females either!
AAADD - KNOW THE SYMPTOMS ... PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail ...
Do me a favour.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh! If this isn't you yet, your day is coming! - Apple does it again.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. - Harry, now that was funny.. a real rib tickler, I can see alot of spin off jokes from that one.
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career ... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a twenty pound note, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was:
If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman.
If he takes the bible, he will be a priest
If he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard.
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ... the son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the twenty pound note, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said:
"Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... Our son is going to be a dam politician!"
Bush in HELL
George Bush has a heart attack, dies, and goes to hell where he's confronted by the devil.
"I don't know what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list but I don't have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go so that you can take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
George thought the deal sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened a door to the first room; in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over again. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, I've got this problem with my shoulder' commented George. 'I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!'.
The devil opened a third door. In that room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs spread-eagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and, finally,
said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
Whereupon the devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
- A Farmers Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year"
- Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a Tibetan? Hu Yu Hai Ding Tibetan?
See me ASAP! Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! or
Why are you so stupid? Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! or
You are early Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his car Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
- An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends,they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively-
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'!
FRUIT POLOS
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow..........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're a # rse-holes!!'- Not PC?
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that PC, poofter sh*t in our garden dad' she said.
- In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope . Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, ' £ 5,000 for
a male brain, and £ 200 for a female brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Men in the
room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
'Why is the male brain so much more?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and explained to the entire group,
'It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the
female brains, because they've actually been used.'
- Airline pilots
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna f**kin' die.'
- Found this little bit of Male chauvinism on another web site.
Sound Advice
Read and learn
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Howard. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susan. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the Marina about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the Marina so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch football, but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susan. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?
PLEASE NOTE:
Howard died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Susan was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
Jurys you just can not get ihe right verdicts. Now where have I heard that before.
- > Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation
>
> They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
> that would identify them as clergy.
>
> As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
> outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
>
> The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
> They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
> scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking
> straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
>
> As the b londe passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good
> Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she
> passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they
> were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even
> more outrageous outfits.
>
> These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again,
> in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the
> sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a
> different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward
> them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
>
> 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
>
> One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute,
> young lady.'
>
> 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in
> the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
>
> 'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'
>
>
- Traffic Cop
My wife was driving through Bristol the other day, when she was pulled over by a Policeman for exceeding the speed limit. She was doing 65 mph in a 50 zone.
The cop got out of his patrol car and walked over to my wife's car, as he got closer he took out his pocket book and opened it.
The wife lowered the window and said to him "Ah, I can see that you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Annual Bristol Area Traffic Policeman's Ball."
He replied sharply "Bristol Traffic Policemen don't have balls."......
"Oh" she said with a grin.
There was then a moment of silence............he closed his book,
got back in the patrol car and drove away
- Scouse Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough,
as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get the bigest firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and 'count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a large banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Ireland, parts of Bradford and Newcastle.
- A vicar books into a hotel and says to the clerk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"
Clerk: "No sir, its just regular porn, you sick sod!" - Afghanistan
Got the bamk statement last night & was very depressed , rang the bank helpline.
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
- Kuwaiti Women
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands.
After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
- The Middle Wife!
Out of the mouth's of babes...........
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have
two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the
one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have
a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness
and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
out going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class
with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my
baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,
and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but
she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my
Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back
against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the
bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little
hands miming water flowing away It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta)
so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
- Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.' - One up for the Irish Paul
Sbject: IRISH GARDA v's LONDON LAWYER.
A London lawyer drives past a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a
London lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a
better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the
Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to
complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and
registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go
and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out
his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it.
He then says, 'Right do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
- Ah Jeeez thats a good one Harry! had a real laugh there...sounds like Oirish logic alright.
those are good ones below too..had a laugh re the tampons.
Keep them coming.Lots of people are reading and having a laugh.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
- Another Message from Osama
Osama Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said "Scotland were absolute crap on Saturday".
British Intelligence have dismissed it saying "It could have been recorded at any time in the last 4 years!"
- Bankers vs Pigeons
What's the difference between a London Banker and a Pigeon?
A Pigeon can still put a deposit on a brand new Porsche
- Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave
site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life
was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very
smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was
a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model
for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three
children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they
had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
- ah lol! Sheila I enjoyed that one..
and of course Harry's ones too are always great. Such a lot of chuckles. Well done...keep em coming. Lost of people are enjoying them. - Just thought I'd pop on this joke thread to say that I am really enjoying these jokes too. Thanks to all for the laughs, much appreciated. xxxxxxx
Not sure if this is a joke or a statement:
When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.
She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different
fathers.
Job done
Roger- According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
letting up - if anything it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that:
Sumo Bank has gone belly up,
Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived.
500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop……...
and finally - analysts report that there is something fishy going on
at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
I sent this round to all those on the Loyalty Scheme email lists and it was printed in the D/E the following week. It's very clever, don't you think ? I wonder who makes them up.
Roger - Not sure if this is the right section, but check this out - it's great; you really will be surprised.
I couldn't believe it, check it out. This Website is amazing. They actually have photographs of almost every student that had a school photograph taken in any school in the World.
Unless you went to School when cameras weren't invented, you should find a photo of yourself or at least your classmates.
Click on the link below or type it into your search line. You have to enter the name of your school, Education authority and year that you were there.
Check it out.....
www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm
Roger
- Lol! Roger, I just loved the Madonna joke, made my morning .
- Roger tee hee, (I fell for it), they're right, yes it is me in the middle, I was a right little monkey.
- Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night. He found one such girl in a local pub.
He said "I'm Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?".
Her reply, "Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we're living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol, and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it won't cost you a f***ing penny". - The Castaway
The Castaway was finally rescued after four years on a remote Island.
One of the rescuers asked if he had missed sex very much.
The guy said that he'd missed it a lot, but had struck it lucky one day not too long ago, when he was feeling really desperate.
The rescuing sailors were all ears. " How come ? " one asked. "
Well, I was beachcombing and came across this ostrich, bent over, with it's head stuck in the sand. I sneaked up behind it, trouserless, and pounced, wham and we were at it. "
There was a thoughtful silence, then one sailor said. " What was it like ? "
The guy replied. " Not great at first, but once I got into step, really good. "
"TOWEL HEADS"
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term,... so please take note.
It is time for us all to become more sensitive in our choice of words and phrases.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate us and would like to kill us, do not like to be called 'towel heads' or
'rag heads' since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but is in fact a small folded sheet.
Therefore, as of now, please refer to them only as
'Little Sheet Heads'
Thank you for your support and compliance with regards to this delicate matter
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet'
----------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
- How to Make a Woman Happy
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Beer
3. Bring Food
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company', he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike....'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board....'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.
- Great Jokes Harry - loved your's too Sheila.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But! Wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, and REACH 50 and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips... Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Roger - A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
Roger - Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
> > gates.
> >
> > 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
> > something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
> >
> > The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
> > flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
> >
> > 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
> >
> > The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
> > shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
> >
> > Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
> >
> > The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
> > finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
> >
> > St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
> > what
> > do those symbolize?'
> >
> > The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
> >
> > And So The Christmas Season
> > Begins......
- The question is... What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask us retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi ba****d; he glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*t-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Roger - The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.** **
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
it starves to death. (Creepy.) *
(I'm still not over the pig.)*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour **
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off. **
('Honey, I'm home. What the..?!')
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field. **
(30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. **
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.** **
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality
over quantity) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)** *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm..)*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people. *
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. **
(okay, so that would be a good thing)*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cat's urine glows under a black light. **
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. **
(** **I know some people like that.)*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Starfish have no brains **
(I know some people like that too.)** *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polar bears are left-handed. **
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure. **
(What about that pig??) *
------------------------------------------------------------------------ - A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
So he decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
Ryanair
- A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises .
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes .
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15 . 00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl . Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life .
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20 . 00' . Why not? thought the salesman .
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl . Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured .
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents . '
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening . When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out . Fifteen seconds later it shut off . With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit . . . . . which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!
- I hope no one is offended by this wonderful poem !
Grab a coffee, a comfortable chair, relax and scroll down to enjoy the warm feelings and pleasure that this wonderful poem will bring.
Savour each word and recall the evocative memories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
" ODE TO WINTER "
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
" SHIT it's cold!"
The End
Roger - WHO IS JACK SCHITT For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt?!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happensnuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
- Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price'
Roger - Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home .'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last
bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the
other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you
doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the
roundabout.
Roger - Jeezez these jokes are hilarious.....so funny!!
- Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:-
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Shepherd. She was
admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved ?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, Ward P, Room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, Ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Shepherd, I was
wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs. Shepherd's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
'No, I'm Mrs Shepherd in Room 2B. Nobody tells you f*** all in here'
Roger - I've just had this in and reading it really brought a big lump to my throat.
Enjoy what you have and help others be happy.
"Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Then unexpectedly, a sinister thought entered his mind. Why should the other man alone experience all the pleasures of seeing everything while he himself never got to see anything? It didn't seem fair. At first thought the man felt ashamed. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and he found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window -- that thought, and only that thought now controlled his life.
Late one night as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running in. In less than five minutes the coughing and choking stopped, along with that the sound of breathing.
Now there was only silence-deathly silence. The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take it away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate since he had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue. . . .
You can interpret the story in any way you like. But one moral stands out: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
Author Unknown"
Sad, but also warming in the end
Roger - This is a joke?
- No it isn't a joke Steve, but didn't know where to put it at first.
I did put it on the Letters section afterwards.
The following, is a joke:
4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it,
you old fools.'
One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of
times & to jump up & down several times.
Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Roger - Grandson
A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.
"When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."
"Bloody hell grandad" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"
- Husband wanted
Husband Wanted :
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get
married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &> MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in
a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on
you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat
you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you
still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
- What A Coincidence!!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,'
said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
- Ah! these jokes are great. Really brighten up my day .A Big Thank-You to all.
- virgin
A chinese couple get married. She is a virgin, Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.He climbs in next to her and tries tobe reassuring."My darling" he says "I know dis yo firss time and you berry berry frighten, i promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything anything you want, Whatchou want? he tried to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try something I heard about, number 69"
Eventually in a puzzled tone he queries...."you want...chicken wiff brocolli.
- Riddle
What gets longer when its pulled..
Fits snugly between a woman's breasts..
Fits neatly into a tight hole..
Works best of all when jerked hard...?????
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A seat belt you perv....!! Now Buckle Up..!!!
****
So what sort of Christmas Cracker Jokes do you get? - A Queenslander is drinking in a West Darwin bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs,
'That's about average in Queensland, fellas...like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'WOW'! were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, ' Hey, you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, ' 19 pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.'
The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised' - I was disgusted when I saw Haringey's Asda selling tins of baby peas...
Surely it's a bit too soon. - That comment below is revolting of course and not from me. We have had numbers of items sent in and indeed sent to the newspapers purporting to come from me...but of course not from me at all. But there we are, whats the point of it.Why not spend your time doing something more positive whoever you are.
- When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
- A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note. not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit loose on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
- Xmas turkey
A guy goes into the butchers and asks for a fresh Norfolk turkey. The assistant produces a nice bird and the guy sticks his finger up it's rear, smells it and says. "This is NOT a Norfolk bird, it must be a Norfolk turkey." The assistant apologises and gets another. Same routine, finger..smell..not from Norfolk. The assistant tries twice more with the same result as the turkeys are all sold without wrapping, hanging in the traditional way. The fifth time, the guy says. "At last! a fresh Norfolk turkey, about time..you must be new here, where do you come from?" The pissed off assistant drops his pants, turns his arse to the guy and says. "You're the dam expert..you tell me!"
- Education
Teacher asked the kids to see if they could construct a sentence containing the words "Thank you" "Great" and "Wonderful" or as many as possible.
After they'd had a while to think, Ms Brown asked if anyone had got an answer. Three kids put up their hands.
Ms Brown said. "Off you go Katie.
Katie managed two. "Mummy and Daddy went to a party and next day I heard Mummy say what a wonderful time they'd had and Dad said. "Yes, it was a great party." The teacher said. "Very very good Katie."
Next came Elizabeth. " Daddy bought Mummy a new dress and a great pair of shoes and Daddy said she looked wonderful in it. Mummy said. "Thank you, I just love it." Ms Brown said. " That is very goog indeed Elizabeth, full marks for you."
That left little Jimmy. Ms Brown looked at him warily and then said. "Alright Jimmy, let's hear your sentence.
"Yes Miss..my sister came home from school yesterday and told Mum and Dad that she was pregnant and Dad said. "Thank you.. so very very much, that's just great, that's really f****n' wonderful."
- Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
- A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,
'Talking Dog for Sale .'
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in
no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
'Ten euros.' the man said.
'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'
Roger - A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to
her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost R300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
Roger - How true .....
A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.
Gordon replied, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'I can't do that, because I've spent it already.
Gordon said, 'OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway.
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Gordon answered, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
To which the farmer exclaimed, 'Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, 'Of course I can, I just
won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.'
A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Gordon said, 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and
made a huge, fat profit!!'
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
To which Gordon replied, 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer and then Prime Minister and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair
and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his
miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off
flogging a dead donkey.
Roger - Buttercups
Buttercups
Towards the end of a round of golf, Harry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your potatoes for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOOF! . . . she was gone!
After Harry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Pete, where are you?'
Pete yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Harry shouts back, 'PICK UP PETE! FOR GODS SAKE PICK UP!!!'
- Auntie Sharon
The six to seven year old kids are told by teacher on friday, to find out what a proverb with a moral is and to give an example when back on monday.
Katie sets off first with." The moral is,if you eat healthy food like an apple each day, it will help to stop you being ill and the proverb is, an apple a day keeps the doctor away." The teacher gives ten out of ten.
James is next with. "The moral is, don't rush into doing something before you have learned how to do it properly. The proverb is, do not try to run before you can walk. The teacher gives ten out of ten again.
Simon is next with. "Auntie Sharon was in the Gulf War and came under attack in a helicopter.
She had drunk a bottle of scotch and slid down a rope with a machine gun and killed 120 of the enemy. When she hit the ground, she was out of ammo, so she grabbed up a sword off a dead guy and cut the heads off the remaining 15.
The teacher was horrified and asked Simon where he'd heard this, because he'd got it wrong..there was no moral to this awful story.
Simon replied that he'd heard his uncle tell his dad and that his dad said that the moral was.."Don't ever f*** around with Auntie Sharon when she's had a drink."
- A few Irish Jokes
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a
choice!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many
people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!"
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
"I'm gonna have the day off, I'll pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spread-eagled & says "You know what I want don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the US prison service for not
refusing to service the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion
it was a death trap!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like
it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is making love to a Jewish girl & says "You're not very tight for a Jew!"
She says "Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!"
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Paddy is shocked at being told that all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Roger
24 hours
An elderly gentleman named Morris
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wifethat the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending end, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
Condoms
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same Company slogan............
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world
Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
L'oreal condoms - because your worth it!
Mr muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate!
- The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower
- Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the accompanying people, 'You can have him shipped home for US$500,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just US$100.' The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $500,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.'
The Zimbabweans replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance.'
- Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."
Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's
manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
"Parkinson's."
- Roger - love the Mugabe joke - Many a true word etc!
- Ah gawd very funny some of these jokes...the Ferrari one is a classic too. Well done guys.
- Thanks guys.
Trouble with this next one is that these are not funny !! There were images with these, but they don't carry over to the Forum, hope they are O.K.
1977: Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2008: ECG
1977: Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977: Seeds and stems
2008: Roughage
1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2008: Receiving a new hip joint
1977: Rolling Stones
2008: Kidney Stones
1977: Screw the system
2008: Upgrade the system
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977: Passing the drivers' test
2008: Passing the vision test
1977: Whatever
2008: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. The people who are starting university this year were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the 3 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
Roger - A PhD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his PhD friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"
The PhD man replies: "I see millions of stars." The ordinary man asks: "What does that tell you?"
The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks: "Practically........it tells me that someone has stolen our tent".
Be educated in the right way and not go beyond the boundaries!
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and
proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's
my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to
swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.
'It's best I stay here.'he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says:
'Because, I'm the f***ing goalie !!'
Roger - That's when the fight started ..
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" so I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Roger - Can you believe these ??
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant : Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called
Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ...
ER.ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant ( long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which
jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
- In flight annoncement
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain came on air and announced.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293 from London Heathrow, flying nonstop to Toronto. The weather ahead of us today is good, so sit back, relax and enjoy ...... OH MY GOD."
Silence followed.......!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap." then added "You should see the front of my trousers."
Towards the front, an Irish passenger shouted.....
"Hail Mary & Joseph, ya should see the back of mine !!!.
- At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", retorted the Rabbi, "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."
- Latest news today is that another big name has gone to the dogs, yet another victim of the credit crunch.
Pedigree Chum have announced that they are calling in the Retrievers!.............lol! - I liked that one Colette - called in the retrievers !! great.
Roger - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Just goes to show - quality over quantity eh ?
Roger - A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Roger - Baby names
Paddy and his heavily pregnant, single sister are involved in a car accident. When Teresa wakes up the doctor tells her that she has been in a coma for months.
"Oh my god!" she screamed. "What about the baby? Is my baby all right?"
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Everything is fine - in fact you had twins! A boy and a girl and they're both doing great."
"Oh thank god! And what about Paddy? Is he ok?"
"Your brother is fine too. He thought you wouldn't mind if he named the twins, we didn't know how long you would be in a coma."
"Oh Jesus, he's shite with names, what did he call them?"
"Well, he named your daughter Denise..."
"Really? That's actually quite nice. What about the other one?"
"Denephew."
- Sean and Cilla
Sean Connery Was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser,the bitch stole ma wallet !"
- Now that George W has left the White House, let's reflect on some of his famous sayings:'
The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush
'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush
'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush
'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush
'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush
'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush
'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush
'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
Great eh ?
Roger
irish saussages
'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on, 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't.' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase.'
- Ah Jeeeez - thats funny. I wont be trying any righteous indignation in the near future !!lol
A bit too close to the truth!!!
IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's
He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt
and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good..
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with
. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good.....
Well. . Almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!
Written by am Ausie male chauvinist.
- Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
************************
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
Theres a bloke here who was 152!' Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
************************
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on Arbroath beach was
asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said,
'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
*************************
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
- Not so much a joke but this is one of the cleverest emails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
- The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
- Nuclear Power
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk! I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
- The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
- Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics .
29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
9 have been accused of writing bad cheque's
17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year
Which organisation is this ?
It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.
What a bunch of "ne'er do wells" we have running our country - it says it all. And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country!!.... and they do of course.
Roger - Why we like the British -
From British newspapers....
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
5) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler' ". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers....
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and Easy Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria Station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it an pass some time together. All together now ..... "Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall....."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (....pause). "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home..."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (...pause). "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (...pause). "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up you're a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
- Making a baby.
There is not one dirty word in it.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'
'Oh, no need to
explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try
two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you
mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted
Food for thought?
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'
The refugee claimant now got bolder
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.
'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!.'
And she disappeared!
Roger
- Re: the 'joke' about 600 employees that's been doing the rounds, you may be interested to know the views of Roger Darlington below.
There have, of course, always been urban myths - stories that seemed plausible but, upon examination or even a little thought, prove to have little or no foundation in fact. However, the advent of the Internet has given a powerful medium for the rapid and easy and cost-free transmission of such nonsense. Often such urban myths betray a prejudice and are most likely to be believed by those sharing that prejudice.
I mention this because of a message I received today purporting to list various misdemeanours and even crimes of an organisation which at first is not identified. The message begins: "Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?" It concludes: "Which organisation is this? It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line."
The give-away here is the reference to the 635 MPs. In fact, the Commons has not had 635 members since 1983. The number varies with the redrawing of boundaries and the impact of devolution and is currently 645. If the most public fact about the Commons is not understood by the author, how can one give any credence to all the other so-called statistics, especially when the members concerned are not named and no sources or dates are given.
This particular myth started at least a decade ago when it was originally focused on members of the United States Congress. Later versions changed the reference from the US Congress to members of the parliaments of Canada, Britain and India. The prejudice is obvious: all politicians are corrupt and therefore we should have no respect for them or the legislative process - a dangerously corrosive stance for those of us who believe in democracy.
- THE GUNFIGHTER ( my apologies to any Cowboys out there)
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.
'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed
the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over
to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,'
said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end, and it won't hurt as much.
- A woman arrives home to find her husband in bed with an attractive female of very short stature.
"Oh you unparented so and so," she yelled (or words to the effect). "You promised me you were no longer going to have extra-marital sexual relations."
"My good woman," he replied. "Can you not see that I am trying to cut down?"
(I trust that I have not offended anyone) - TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, Cheif where did we go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
- The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, gets undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up,
and Yells at me for staying out so late!'
His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking
the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say! WHO'S HORNY?!!!
And she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!!
- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray .... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.'
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays.... 'God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starv ing. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself 'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.....buy a ticket.' - A short Fairy Story for the Lads. (it's Ok it not that Fairy)
Long long time ago there was a woman who did not Rant , Moan or Badger or even Nag. At her husband, Now I must stress that this was a very very very long time ago and only one!"
The End
- A very well done to you Harry for carrying on with the jokes. Great stuff as ever !!
I think we are all still able to laugh but it was touch n go there for a minute. - Ah Jeez! Harry, you shure know how to tell 'em, I've had a good laugh this morning, loved the Blonde joke.
- the late lamented les dawson has been mentioned on the open page, i always remember his "sad" tale of his wedding day, "the wife was wearing a red dress with a black pillbox hat, she looked like a jar of bovril"," her mother told me she did not like me as i was effeminate", "compared to her i was, the vicar was so upset with the charade he offered me sanctuary in the vestry." "the reception over the co-op funeral parlour had less life than early closing day at lenin's tomb."
all from memory, so no absolute accuracy.
would he be be allowed to come out with that stuff about his wife and the wife's mother today? - JACK AND JILL
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told
her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said,
so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you
don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'
- Bath in Holy Water
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old Sod, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years
- kids...
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time?'
Boy - '£350'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that, and that's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh* t again you little pr*ck, you're in my dam cupboard now'!!!
- These classified ads from paper
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd..
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWN ER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy a nswers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'- This is the first time I have dared to peep at the jokes again since...well...and I laughed out loud. Fabulous - if we can't laugh, what's the point - thank you!
- teacher teacher
A blonde teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow at the back shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
- More school
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples
.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
- Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Brian:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past sixmonths. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne.
-----
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Brian.
- Hymn #365
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
Id take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.' - A man is waiting for his flight when he notices an attractive woman in a uniform sitting at the bar. Guessing that she's an off duty stewardess he approaches her and tries to guess her airline.
"Are you The World's Favourite Airline?", he says, quoting British Airways advertising slogan.
She ignores him and takes another sip of her drink.
"Are you A Great Way To Fly?", he tries, using Air Singapore's motto.
She turns her back on him and takes another sip.
"Do you Fly The Friendly Skies?", he tries in desperation using the United Airlines slogan.
Finally she turns around, looks him straight in the eye and says. "What the hell do you want?"
"Aha!", he replies......"Ryanair" - Ah jeez..very funny ones chaps..keep them coming.
- Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
- Aussie Mick
Aussie Mick was attending his 4wd clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.
When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka Common the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper River, swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""
I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply.
" When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. When the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said , ' Surprise ' .
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and said "I'm all yours you can do what ever you want ".
SO HERE I AM
- Two fonts walk into a bar, on ewas Helvetica and the other Times Bold. The landlord took one look at them and said "Hey get out, we don't serve your type here"...
- The boss of a small company had only two members of staff; Jack and Jill. Recently the business hadn't done too well and the boss had no choice but to let one of them go. He asked Jill into his office to explain his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
The boss recovered from the punch in the face about half an hour later. - The ULTIMATE chat up line:
"If I ask you to spend the night with me, will your answer be the same as the answer to this question?" - What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
Nail Varnish. - Best ever headlines:
Temperatures so cold that a solicitor was seen with his hands in his own pockets!
Boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched man in the face yesterday. Arrested for senseless violence.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
New patch for smokers - the pavement outside the pub!
Sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air. Police say they have several leads...
- Not a joke but a bit of truth to make you smile.
George Carlin on age102.
(Absolutely Brilliant)
George Carlin's Views on Ageing
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .... . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin on age102.
- Irish logic
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...
your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ... I'm off the booze for lent!"
- Tarzan and Jane
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the privates !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Tarzan check for squirrel..'
- These are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts
, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Have a nice day.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY:
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:
I forget.
ATTORNEY:
You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you
kiddin'
me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses
MUST
be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. - Snappy answers
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for milesFinally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal? "We have a passenger here at "Gate 14" who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to "Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Snappy Answer #6
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-a guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have
to write the exam with your other hand."
- Country Boys
Two rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first redneck says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says,
"Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
- Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat, five year old johnny could not go to church & had to stay at home with a bay sitter.
When his parents returned home after church they were carrying several palm branches.
Little Johnny asked his mum what the palms were for, she said "They were for people to hold over Jesus head as he walked by" she answers quite mildly.
"Well would'nt you dam well know it, fumed johnny. "The one Sunday I don't make it and he goes and shows up"
- Well done guys keeping this page going despite all our recent horrors.
Absolutely great ones there. Really really funny ! - Health and safety versus The Battle of Trafalgar
Battle of 1805 a significant naval scrap Britannia vs. Spain (Pre Beckham, Owen & Real Madrid) and notable for zero US influence, other than Hollywood recreations that portray Nelson as a paid up Republican!
Nelson - Admiral of the Fleet,
Hardy - his loyal mate:-
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed Limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle In history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access
to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt-haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, We shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator Hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy.
- Small boy on the telephone
A call centre telephone operator calls a number and a small boy answers.
The callers says "Is your Mummy at home?"
The small boy replies in a whisper. "Yes, but she can't come to the phone."
"How about your Daddy?" The boy replies again in a whisper. "He is here, but he can't come to the phone as he is busy."
The caller responds by saying. "Is there anyone else at home?" The boy again replies in a whisper. "Yes a policeman and a lady policeman."
The caller says. "Can one of them come to the phone then?" The small boy again whispers and says. "No, they are busy to."
The caller then not wishing to give up says. "Apart from your Mummy and Daddy and the two police officers, is there anyone else there that I could speak to?" "Yes." answers the small boy again in a whisper, "There is a two Firemen and two Ambulance men and a Social Worker."
The caller by now now intrigued said. "What are all these people doing at your home that makes them too busy to speak to me on the telephone?"
The little boy whispered back. "Looking for me!"
The Hair Cut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
- Hospital Joke
Barack Obama is visiting the Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain O the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
The President is even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awasae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry
- following on from harry's nelson joke.
nelson is standing on the bridge wearing a bright red tunic.
hardy storms up and asks him to wear something less noticeable to the enemy.
nelson replies " i am sending a mesage to the men that i am affeared of nothing, should a bullet hit me noone will notice the blood anyway.
hardy replies ok sir, i am off below deck now.
nelson "perchance where are you going to hardy"?
the reply comes back, "just changing into the brown trousers sir". - Not a joke just a bit of useless information
What is so different about the 8th of July this year?
At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will never happen again. "Yawn" must get up in time "Yawn" - FOSTERS LAGER
In Australia 'FOSTERS' did as a mark of respect, stop all sales of Lager due to the massive bushfires.
Well, they said you wouldn't want a warm beer, would you ?
- At the morgue
Paddy and Mick are taken to the morgue to identify a body police think might be their friend Seumas. The deceased has been in an accident and his face is disfigured.
Paddy goes in first and asks the attendant to turn the body over so he can see its backside. He has a look and says, "No, that's not Seumas."
Mick then goes in and he too asks the attendant to turn the body over so he can see its backside. He too says, "No, that's not Seumas."
Outside, the policeman thanks them for their trouble but says he is intrigued by their method of identification.
Paddy explained: "Oh the three of us were best mates - we went everywhere together, and wherever we went people always said,
'Oh look, here comes Seumas with the two arseholes!'"
- Hurry to the Course
A man races into the dentists for a tooth removal.
Before the operation he says to the dentist, "Please, can we make this fast. I have only just managed to get a 10 o'clock tee off time in the best golf course in town, I have two mates waiting in the car. So, don't bother with the anesthetic."
The dentist thinks, "What a brave man"
"Of course sir," the dentist says,"Which tooth is it?"
The man turns to his wife and says, "Show him then"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting And laughing with glee..
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end
.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Most old men can still think fast.!!
- Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
* * * * * * *
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to
heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now'
* * * * * * * * * *
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians..' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
** ** * * * *
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
* * * * * * * * * *
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Nancy..
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid
as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Nancy staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Nancy said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
- JOHNNY AND MORALS
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched"
Teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched"
Last is little Johnny hadn up shouting "me miss me miss" OH Jimmy she said...
"My Uncle Ed fought in the Iraq war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy insurgents. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...
Johnny replies, "Never f**k with my Uncle Ed."
- French Army
I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception.
She said "You could try French letters".
I said "What's that?"
She said "Condoms"
I said "I don't like them".
So she said "You should try the French Army method then".
I said "What's that?"
She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".
- US and British Navy.
The US and British Navy were recently on manoeuvres in the Persian gulf.
The communications officer on the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise sent a radio message to the British carrier HMS Illustrious - " And how's the 2nd biggest Navy in the world today then??"
To which the HMS Illustrious officer responded - " Fine. How's the 2nd best
- Fondling In Bed
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " It's OK I found the remote."
- Back to Paddy "Job Interview"
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says "Can you make tea paddy ? "
"Yes sir I can make tea, yes sir".
"Can you drive a forklift"?
"How big is this f*****g teapot " says paddy
- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on cliff hangers.
The librarian says... - Don't you just hate people who ask rhetorical questions?
- I was in a bus crash a while ago. It happened right outside Mr & Mrs Smiths' house and Mr & Mrs Balls' house.
Luckily, I was dragged out by the Smiths. - A New Position
Roy was out drinking with his mates and they were discussing the best position while making love.
Roy decided that he liked the sound of the wheelbarrow position. When he got home, he started playing around with his very fit looking, blonde partner.
After a short while, they were both up for it and Roy says. "Jackie, I'd like us to try out the wheelbarrow position.
" Jackie says. "The wheelbarrow position? what's that then?" So Roy tells his blone wife in full detail.
Jackie says. "Sounds great, but promise me one thing."
Roy says. "Like what?"
The blonde replies. "We don't go past my parents house."
- Out of the mouth of babes
Standing in a queue at the Bank I noticed the woman at the front had a huge back side.
Suddenly her phone started to bleep and a small boy stood behind her says,
" Look out Mum, she's reversing"
- PATENT APPLICATION
So I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
- BATHROOM
On a flight to Chicago , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW , WA ,PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.
- Pat & Mick
Pat and Mick had a great night out, spent all their money and missed the last bus home. No money left for a taxi, so they set out to walk home.
Along the road, they came to the by now dark bus depot.
"Oi say, Mick", says Pat, "I think we could pinch a bus and drive all the way home. Look, you stay and keep watch and oi'll go and get a bus".
Pat was in the depot for ages and Mick called in, "Pat, be jesus man, why are ye taking so long."
Mick called back, "Oi can't find a number 66".
"For God's sake, man", replied Pat, "Just bring a number 60 and we'll get of at the roundabout and walk the rest".
- Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." - Teachers & Cops
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. A ll teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2.. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.
The c
omments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
A ND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
- By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright- eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
- The human body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
- Happy Birthday To Me
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the paper seller, "I hope you don't mind my asking but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was but it requires you to let me put my hands up your blouse and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally said, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her blouse, under her bra and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "Oh yes, I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
- Timbuktu
The two finalists in a poetry contest were a Cambridge graduate and a chav. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU."
The Cambridge graduate was the first to recite his poem:
“Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild. They thought the chav would never stand a chance against the Cambridge graduate.
Nevertheless, the chav stood up and recited his poem:
“Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.”
The chav won hands down.
- Three nuns
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A load of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the rubbish bin."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a load of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
- Army life.
The CO was about to start the morning briefing to his Battalion staff and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The Adjutant said it was 75% work to 25% pleasure
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The RSM responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee.
The colonel asked what his opinion was.
Without any hesitation, the young Private soldier responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Yes Sir 100% pleasure"
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent !!. - The Frog Story that should have been read to all you girls when you were little..
Once upon a time in a land far away sat a beautiful indepenent, self assured lovely princess.
***********
Then one nice day she happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
***********
The Frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said " Elegant young lady, I was once a handsome Prince until an eveil witch cast a spell upon me.
***********
One small but lovely kiss from you and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am"
***********
Then, my sweet little angel, we can Marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
***********
with my mother
***********
where you can prepare my meals
clean and iron my cloths
bear my children
***********
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
***********
That night as the Princess dined sumptuously
***********
On lightly sauted frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce
**********
She chuckled and thought to her self:
**********
*
*
*
*
*
I don't F****** think so.
- lol!!! thats a scream Harry...the wimmin will like that one!
Great jokes there guys all round. you are stars for keeping the page going despite all the recent flak. - Ah! Harry, you've made my morning with your latest spate of brilliant jokes. I really loved the frog story and too right too!! LOL!
- Test
- Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.
Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George's Day so I called him George!"
"What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
"Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That's amazing!, wait 'til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
- A Helping Hand
A Helping Hand
A 60-ished broker is walking down Wall Street one evening when he spots a begger, a somewhat younger man in battered Vietnam-era fatigues. As he passes the guy, the broker puts a couple of dollars in the man's cup and asks, "You were in the 'Nam?"
The begger looks up, says, "Yes," then pauses, looks closely at the broker, and says, "Major? It's me, Spec-4 Wilson!"
"My God, Wilson! What the hell are you doing here?"
"Well, sir, after I got out of the Army nothing seemed to go right for me. I drank too much, couldn't hold a job, got into trouble. But I'm OK now. Folks help out." He pauses, and then says, "Major, you look great!"
"I got out as a lieutenant colonel. Went into the market and I've been doing really well."
Wilson says, "Well that's great sir. You have a great day. And thanks."
The Major starts to walk off. Then he stops for a second, thinking. He turns around, and says "Wilson, you were the best orderly I ever had. I'm a rich man now. Let help you out."
"Sir?"
"Look, come work for me. You can be my valet. I've got a big house in mid-town, with plenty of room, and my wife won't mind."
"Sir, I really don't want to be a problem."
"No problem, and you'll just be doing the same sort of thing you did when we were back in the 'Nam. You know, keeping my stuff in order, making sure I'm up in the morning -- just like in the old days."
"OK sir."
So the Major hails a cab and the two pile in. On route uptown, they stop at a men's shop and the Major buys Wilson some good civilian clothes. Then he takes him for lunch at McSorley's, where they have a few drinks and talk about old times.
They get to the Major's house, a large brownstone in the East 60s, fairly late. The Major gives Wilson a little tour, shows him were various things are stored, gives him a room, and says "I'll see you in the morning."
At 4:00 a.m., Wilson wakes up. At precisely 4:15 he opens the door to the master bedroom, walks in, smacks the Major's wife on her bare backside and says, "OK baby, here's five bucks, time to get back to your village."
- TESCO'S JOKE
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an Official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could Help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle, asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
;
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
- lol! Mr Murray's got a great sense of humour!
Rooney v Ireland.
Just before the England V Ireland kick off, Rooney goes into the dressing room and finds the other players looking cheased off.
"What's up lads?" He says. Lampard moans. "We can't get motivated for this game. It's only Ireland and they're such a load of rubbish, we just can't be bothered.
Rooney says. "Tell you what you lads sod off to the boozer and have a few, I reckon can beat this lot on my own."
So, Rooney trots out on to the pitch to take on Ireland by himself and the rest of the team clear off to the pub.
After they'd had a few bevvies they check up on the tv ceefax to see how the game is going. A big cheer goes up as the score reads,
England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) Ireland 0. Rooney is beating Ireland by himself.
They have a load more drinks and a couple of hours later, realise that the game must be over. They check the final score and see that it's a draw.
England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) Ireland 1 (O'Mary 89minutes)
They give a massive cheer and stagger back to the dressing room and find Rooney sitting with his head in his hands. He moans. "I've let you all down, I should have beat them." The team are all round him, patting him on the back and saying that a draw was fantastic.. one man playing a full team? f****n' great result.
Rooney cries. "No, no, I've let you down......
....
....
....
I got sent off after eleven minutes." (sorry PaulB)
- The kindness and empathy of a typical Scot ?
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind English fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
- Ah Jeeez Harry I nearly choked on me cornflakes with that Rooney versus Ireland one.. Its a cracker!!
- Little Susie asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked Susie.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
So Susie goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come and ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,
and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go once around the block.'
Susie left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
Susie said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.
- Knickers
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your Knickers".
Susie said: " I know they do, that's why I take them off and hide them in my bag"!!
Little Susie came home from school with a smile on her face
and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'
Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Susie's Mum asked, 'Really small, was it?'
Susie replied, ?No... Salty.?
Mum fainted.
- Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole and they are interchangeable'
- Ah jeeez Phil..Im hysterical ...that one nearly gave me a cardiac!!
- lol! That reminds me of the one about President Nixon who had an arsehole transplant, the arsehole rejected him.
- Porkies!
Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.
How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu !
Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.
Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse ... but we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way.
The only known cure for swine flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.
I have to say I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.
- Farah Fawcett arrived in heaven and was asked what would make the world a better place-she answered make it safe for children-soon after Michael Jackson died.
- A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead and she said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.' - great stuff from steve and phil there.
- World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end - Today i bought a military watch, didn't tell the time just told me to get my hair cut.
- husband forgets wifes birthday.
wife to husband, " i expect to see something that goes nought to 100 in 10 seconds on the driveway first thing in the morning.
she came down the next morning and found a set of scales there.
The 100 euro note...!
It is the month of October and it is raining. The little French town is totally
deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on
credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the town's only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, and asks the
manager if he can go upstairs to inspect the
rooms before deciding which one to
stay in for the night.
The manager takes the 100 Euro note and quickly runs to pay his debt
to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay
his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note
and runs to pay his debt to the feed merchant. The feed merchant takes the 100
Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that in these hard
times, gave her services on credit.
The prostitute runs to the hotel and gives the manager the 100 Euro note to pay
for the rooms she rented when she brought her clients there. The manager then
lays the 100 Euro note back on the desk.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes downstairs after inspecting the rooms and
takes back his 100 Euro note, saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and
leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt,
and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. Isn't life wonderful!
- Wow! thats a fascinating little story. Ive just come back from a little 'French town' myself. We must get our financial expert BarryW to cast his eye over that one to see if it makes real sense...but its very amusing anyway either way.
- CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption..
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,
"You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how
he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
- LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like yo ur thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fuck'n difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fuck'n beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fuck'n business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
- Memory Man
A bloke was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. '
Who's he?' said the bloke. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender.
'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'
So the bloke goes over thinking 'He won't know about English football.' 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?' he asks. '
Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds' was the reply.
'And the score?' '2-1'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
The bloke was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the bloke decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
The Memory man replied. 'Diving header in the six yard box'
- No win no fee
Paddy goes to see a 'No win No fee' lawyer and asks him. "Is it true that loads of people are suing tobacco companies for selling tobacco
products that have damaged their health?" The lawyer confirms that this is happening. Paddy goes on. "I also hear that people are suing
fast food companies for the same thing, due to salt and fat levels, is that right? The lawyer again confirms.
"Right then," says Paddy, I'm wanting to sue Guinness for making me knock off all those ugly women."
- A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate".
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a toffee apple". - CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAM
Children's Science Exam
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. (What no ketchup!?)
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between
the
Earth and the Moon
. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon
, and nature hates a vacuum.. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A:
Premature death
. (Brilliant deduction!)
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity
. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose'
mean?
(I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
- Dover.
- Porkies 2. Swine flu first appeared in the 16th century. Sir Francis Bacon caught it, and the local friar. They built WALLS round his house to STYfle it. Knocked the stuffing out of him. Another victim was in the 1960s, Sir Quentin Hog, and in the 70`s, STREAKERS (Sorry about this) caught it, and now it`s BACK again. If you get it, take 2 tablespoons of apple sauce. Well done Roger, and thanks for the inspiration.
- How many country and western music fans does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb, two to sing how good the old one was.
- A young cannibal on an island who`d never seen a plane before, saw a jumbo jet flying over. What`s that dad? he said. It`s like a shellfish his dad replied. You only eat what`s inside.
- Sign on an auctioneer`s door. Going, going, gone to lunch.
- 100 million lovely girls in the world, and I have to dream about my brother!!
- Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping in a field. In the middle of the night, Holmes and Watson lay awake looking up at the stars. Tell me Watson, says Holmes. What do you see up there? Thousands of stars Holmes. And what do you deduce from that Watson? I deduce Holmes that there must be thousands of planets. What do you deduce from it Holmes? I deduce Watson, somebody`s stolen the tent!
- Lucky day?
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the
'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
- Some great jokes there guys, really had a good laugh out-loud time! Keep them coming. x
- Now that was funny, Soft-boiled of course lol!
- Aussie Tourist
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia ...
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN
- Build Me a Bridge
A Dover man walking along the White Cliffs was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
"The man said, I hate that dam tunnel, Build me a bridge to France so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach down feet below the sea bed! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
'Aboriginal Eggs.'
Two Aborigines are riding along Oxley Road in the Kimberley on a motorbike.
They break down and start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aborigines ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aborigines he has to
leave.
'Hey mate,' they say 'C'mon gissa pucken lift brudda jus up dat road a phew Ks, hey?'
>
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
>
The Aboriginal asks the driver if he'll take them if they can actually manage to fit themselves into the back and he finally agrees.
>
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motor bike into the back of the truck, so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
>
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies, 'Aboriginal Eggs.'
>
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
>
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
>
'I've got a truck here carrying 20,000 Aboriginal Eggs - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!'
>
- that did make me smile roger, pure australian humour.
- Jeeeez some of those jokes are very funny..keep going lads, sidesplitting!. I totally laughed out loud re the egg timer broken one, just so funny..and all the others too. Great stuff!..and as for the three lane highway one..tell me about it!!lol
- The Irish government have cancelled their space programme to send a rocket to the moon. Couldn`t find a bottle big enough to hold the stick.
- From what I hear there is going to be a Great Christmas Party in Heaven this year.
Stephen Gately is singing Carols.
Keith Floyd is preparing the Food.
Patrick Swayze is leading the Dancing.
and ..........
Michael Jackson is playing with the kids! - Another toad joke
So,there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown."
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow.
He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."
To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest. He encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.
He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.
He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!
She says, "I don' t do gentitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."
- Batman in Stiletto's
Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and one married, decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a leather face mask.
The engaged woman says
"My man leapt on me and we made love all night".
The mistress adds
"Me too. We had wild uninhibited sex all night".
The married woman sighs
"My husband came home, took one look at me and said
"Whats for f****** tea Batman?"
- An elderly man phoned his doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing.
The doctor advised he carry out a simple test...
He stood in the front garden, with the front door open and asked in a normal voice; "What's for dinner darling?"
Answer came there none.
He then stood in the front hall and asked again...
Still no reponse.
Again he asked from the sitting room, with the same result. He was getting more and more concerned.
He then went into the kitchen and repeated his question...
His wife turned round.
"For the FORTH TIME Chicken!!" - How fights START
How fights START
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started.... #
*****************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home & come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
- Face Lift
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsagents to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales man, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the man replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."
The woman replies,
"Nope, I am 47."
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs.
Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
- Little Johnny
The class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal". The first picture the teacher held up was of a Lion. "Okay," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a Lion!" yelled Eddie.
"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"
"That's a Tiger!" piped up Jennifer.
"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint ... it's something you're mother calls your father".
"I know, I know," screamed Little Johnny, "It's a horny b*****d!"
- Access to heaven
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, they turned and walked away.
The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and they walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."
========================================
ACTUAL
AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET
12659
---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
- Keep them coming guys, really enjoyed the latest jokes Harry and Roger, shure there's nothing like a good laugh first thing in the morning to keep one going for the day ahead.
The Honeymoon
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,
I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."
- An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with lovely long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
- Masked New Year Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky New Year Masked Costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you ' re not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"I ' ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you ' re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
- Cherie Blair's Chauffeur
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. "
"What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie".
'"I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".
- Welsh Cow
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving
milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
- YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SIR
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? ? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?? !!'
'Si, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor-Made R580
golf club.'
SILENCE .. . . . . .. .. . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!!'
- Genius!
Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.' '
You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.'
- Great jokes guys! Love that last one there Roger, its so akin to all our political parties of today lol!
- June '09 update on SHERIFF JOE
y
ou all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of
Arizona
, who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well...........
SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!
Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!
Maricopa
County
was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the
County
Supervisors
said okay.
The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.
The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a
Maricopa
County
shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78.
The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.
I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand.
H
e has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer.. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.
Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO
HE IS THE MARICOPA
ARIZONA
COUNTY
SHERIFF
AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ), who created the 'Tent City Jail':
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but 'G' rated movies.
He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects..
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was
a Federal Court Order that required cable TV for jails so he hooked up the cable TV again; only let in the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel.
When asked why the Weather Channel he replied, 'So they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my Chain Gangs.'
He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
When the inmates complained, he told them 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton......if you don't like it, don't come back!'
More On The Arizona Sheriff:
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in
Phoenix
(116 degrees just set
a new record), the Associated Press reports:
About 2,000 inmates living in
a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before..
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS.
'It feels like we are in
a furnace', said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 degrees in
Iraq
and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your mouths!'
Way to go, Sheriff!
Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
- TICKEL TEST
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is sobacked up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said.
The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible! The British always ave to show their passports en arrivee in France!'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained:
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to!!'
A few Senior Moments
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know..... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he
d
idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
a
s not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys
are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'
Twelve thirty..'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris
, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical..
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One more. . ...!
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
- a chap comes home for the umpteenth time drunk with vomit all down his front.
his wife warns him that it was his last chance, the next time she leaves him.
the following night leaving the pub he throws up all over his shirt and jacket, distraught he starts to cry, whereupon a fellow drinker comes along and asks him why he is upset.
after explaining the sitiation the fellow drinker has a brainwave, go home tell the wife that someone else threw up over you and hand her a twenty pound note he says.
our hero arrives home, his wife answers the door, and he comes out with the story.
i understand darling, she says, do come in, why though, have you 2 twenty pound notes in your hand?
the reply comes back, "the other one is from the man who sh*t in my pants". - Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a
silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your
hearing aid!" - Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind
her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then
down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all
day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm
impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't
get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind
and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I
suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person
team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick". - CATHOLIC COFFEE (Only a joke pleas do not be offended if Catholic)
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
- Great jokes guys, always a good laugh to be had. Love the Catholic one, Harry, knew us wimmin had a higher place lol!
- One for Barry
The British Economy
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in
order to choose one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute, who in these
hard times offered her "services" on credit.
The prostitute runs to the hotel, and uses the 100 Euro note to settle her debt with the hotel proprietor for the rooms
she rented when she brought clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 Euro note, saying that he did
not like any of the rooms and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Gordon Brown's government is doing business today.
- Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
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The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
The comparsion
Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles..
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that.
- Croc`s in UK?
Two Crocodiles had found their way to the UK and were sitting at the side of river Thames.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by the Houses of Parliament.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their BMW cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
- The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor...
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
- Fives 5’s Fives
I was coming out of Western Docks and heading east as the crow flies; I had just received a warm bowl of soup at a DHB charity stand. I was still silently rehearsing the new creed: Praise be to DHB for what we are about to receive, and praise the government, for thou shall not conceive!
While passing along, I noticed five Dovorians seated on a bench staring gloomily out to sea; by their conversation I gathered they had lost their Polish phrase book and couldn’t apply for a job at Dover Port.
At some point along the promenade I scuffled through the usual crowds of tourists all standing staring towards the town centre in amazement and wonder and taking photos.
Then I bumped into my mate, who told me the Council want to pull down Burlington House and sell the bricks in order to build a cable-car to the Castle.
I exclaimed: What! If they do that, our only tourist attraction will be gone!
He explained: Well, the idea is, once the tourists are gone, DHB can sell the promenade!
- A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third shop
her mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
- 5’s
A crocodile was swimming across the Thames. On reaching Kent it started to cry. Another crocodile asked it what was wrong. It answered: Those glue-sniffers on the other side! The other crocodile said: Yeah, I know, we watched it on TV; we all cried!
- 5’s
Five cruise liners reached Dover at 9.15 am. DHB squads walked through the town with loud-speakers informing the people to show a welcoming attitude to the tourists, and that if anyone was seen snatching food from them, to grab him and return the food forthwith to the unfortunate tourist.
Meanwhile, a long queue of tourists was lining up outside a bakery, each waiting their turn.
A rat popped up from the sewer and, entering the bakery, snatched a cream doughnut and ran out. Shortly after, a police car was chasing the rat down High Street. The rat reached a drain and quickly descended.
A policeman got out and, looking down, charged the rat with theft. The rat retorted: I was hungry and wanted something to eat!
The policeman said: You took a doughnut and didn’t pay for it!
The rat said: All right, all right! If I come up and return the doughnut, will you drop the charge?
- I may be suffering from senility or had a partial loss of sense of humour but there are a couple of "jokes" on this site that elude me-HELP.
- Yorkshire Jokes
Yorkshire
man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"
***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".
***
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
This is a story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be blessed a bloody talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room. The End!
- An ape was sitting in a bath tub singing and scrubbing its back with a brush. The door opened and the buttler said: weren't you supposed to be in bed? The ape said: I don't know about you, young man, but after the next general election, the government won't be telling us when to go to bed, when to get up, when to sign on!
- 5’s
At 7.10 in the morning Dover commissars start preliminary work at DTIZ. At 8 o’clock Burlington House falls down, causing a terrific traffic jam on Townwall Street. The impact sends the multilevel car park down like a pack of cards, and furthermore dislodges Somerfields, which rapidly shifts into the adjacent car park, whereas the public toilets end up in the middle of Pencester Gardens. The work is quickly done!
A few other buildings also find a new location: Gateway has moved to Market Square, an Italian restaurant has reopened on the other side of the road, and the cinema is open again to the public.
Hundreds of bewildered Dovorians are walking around, while stunned commissars covered in dust stand there staring.
A faint-hearted cheer goes up.
Later in the morning the commissars present a list of all the works accomplished. The Council meet and start ticking on the sheet all new features, discovering that a whole variety of issues has been solved:
A supermarket, two car parks, a public toilet, new gardens, a new cinema, a restaurant, AND the traffic has been finally stopped from entering Dover. Furthermore, there’s even a new building standing in Market Square! All they need now is a new hotel in the peaceful and quiet area to attract tourists! A message is quickly sent to Parliament with a copy for DHB, announcing that the whole problem is solved: port-traffic, DTIZ. No further funds required. All achieved in fifty minutes!
- Alexander thanks for your comments. However this is a JOKES section only and your comments are not really suitable in this section. If you have general points to make about DHB etc we will run them on the frontpage, where we run all fair comment. Any political points are welcome on the Barry's Blog page. Thanks for your co-operation.
Editor. - > A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
> bedroom cupboard to watch.
> The woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is
> in there already.
>
> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
> The man says, "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have a football."
> Man - "That's nice."
> Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> Man - "No, thanks."
> Boy - "My dad's outside."
> Man - "OK, how much?"
> Boy - "£250"
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
> the cupboard together.
> Boy - "Dark in here."
> Man - "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have football boots."
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
> Boy - "£750"
> Man - "Sold."
>
> A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
> football,
> let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
>
> The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
>
> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> Boy -"£1,000."
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
> That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
> church and make you confess."
> They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
> confession booth and he closes the door.
> >
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now" - I loved the Yorkshire jokes, they reminded me when I was young I would listen to my Mum and late Grandfather's conversations, totally flummoxed, thinking, they speak in foreign tongues!
- Thats a blinder Roger H ! very funny...I often went through the ritual of the confession box myself many moons ago.
Very funny all round guys. keep em coming! - LOL. Love them and there was me worrying about posting a naughty one, looks like i have been beaten.
- Guts or balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS ... Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?''
BALLS ... Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
- Dippsy at school
It was at St Hilda’s Girl School in the wood, a very high class school in deed. During the run up to the Battle of Britain celebrations they started to study the Battle of Britain as part of their curriculum. As part of this study the head teacher invited Sqn Leader David “Dippsy” Drummond, a survivor of the battle and some 70 years old to impart his experiences of the battle to the school.
The girls were duly assembled in the great hall and the head introduced Dippsy to the girls. Without further ado the head sits down and Dippsy starts his talk, explaining about squadrons, wings and all things RAF. After a little while he was describing the tactics of the RAF and the Luftwaffe and how they would dive out of the sun on the un-suspecting young pilots of the gallant RAF. “Beware of the Hun in the sun” he told them and went on to describe how as a young pilot he was caught out by such an attack.
“I was flying at 20,000 ft when all of a sudden this Fokker came blasting out of the sun”, at which point the head mistress leaps up and says to the girls “ I must stress girls that during the war the Germans had an airplane called a Fokker” to which Dippsy replied, “Madam you are perfectly correct but this Fokker was a Messerschmitt!!!”
- So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
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you know what's coming don't you ?
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you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address
after this....
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she flew off, saying.......
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "
Posts: 1223
Re: GOLFERS TALE
« Reply #1 on: Today at 16:13:46 »
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Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that, for about the last five years, I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
- Amazing Grace
As a piper, I play many events and venues. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral people had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There was only a mini JCB digger and three guys left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their sandwiches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and walked slowly to my car, with my head hung low and my heart full. As I was opening the car door, I heard one of the workers say,
" I've never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
- Missionary
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow pipe, loads a poison dart and kills them both.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
- Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"
If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you
- A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY
MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND
A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Sorta brings a tear to you eye, don't it?
- Divorce vs Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
Wide-eyed the pharmacist's exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady then reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
- Paddy is walking down the road with a paper bag in his hand and also eating a doughnut.
He meets Mick who says to him "if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in that bag, can I have one??
Paddy replies "if you can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you can have both"
Mick replies "FOUR" - The Coded Message
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Gordon Brown a letter in his own handwriting to let the Prime Minister know he was still in the game.
Gordie opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Poor Gordie was baffled, so he emailed it to arch Machiavellian, Mandy. Mandy and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the Home Office.
No one could solve it at the Home Office so it went to MI5, then to MI6.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked the CIA for help. Within a minute the CIA cabled Number 10 with this reply "Tell the Prime Minister he's holding the message upside down." - Sorry Politics again
Heaven or Hell?
While giving a TV interview one day a Government Minister has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital, but doesn't make it.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the Minister.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises....
The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The Minister reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the crap and putting it in black bags as more falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look really terrible.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Today you voted.'
- An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS. - It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance......when we stand. The woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb..
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
- NINE THINGS WOMEN SAY:
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
- Three persons of ethnic minority were discussing the General Election whilst fishing on the Admiralty Pier. The Englishman said to the Scotsman what do you think about Taffs chances ? He replied 'Who cares, were alright jock and if he wants to get rid of the nukes I hope he's sitting on top of them when he does !'
- WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But
how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6.YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
- Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice whispered in the dark ...
'Pssssst! Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the DVD out so he could disconnect the cables, clear as a bell he heard ...
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird bloody Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
- Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us." - A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
- The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes... He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands' - Type your comment here...: 29 May 2010 - 22:36:23 »
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Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things,
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
- Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' - Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow ', this is Mujibar..'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him...
- A rabbit hopped into a butchers and asked "got any cabbages?"."no" replies the butcher,"I only sell meat" Next day rabbit hops in the butchers again,"got any cabbages?"."no" sez the butcher,"I told you yesterday I only sell meat".Third day,rabbit hops in the butchers again,"got any cabbages?"."Look" roars the butcher,"I'm sick of this,I've told you I only sell meat and if you come in here again I'll nail your ears to the wall.Now eff off.Next day rabbit hops in to the butchers"got any nails?" "No" says the butcher."well have you got any cabbages?".
- Cat lovers will appreciate this!
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. - World Cup Joke OXO have got a new cube all white with a red cross and will be called the laughing stock.
- Dover Council Chief Executive 'Nadeem Aziz' refuses to let Dover ENGLISH football fans watch the ENGLAND v Slovenia crucial football match on the Market Square big screen because it would be too popular - WHAT A JOKE !!
- The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning. 'It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible,' said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
- Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy
comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I Feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' - STOP PRESS:
England have announced they are playing a new formation.
Instead of 4-4-2, it's now 7-4-7! - The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,” Leroy,
What do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
In a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
- Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
And one more!
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. - You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive..'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
------------------------------- - Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men. If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and
sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays football for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.
- I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
"Fine,” I said, "Then I want to die when England win the world cup."
"You crafty ba***rd!" said the fairy.
- THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a
young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea
with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young
Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and
wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted and the media
love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his
mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today,
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me,
the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but
I'm really sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!' - Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.
And so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and they're half the price."
- I think i will start updating this page! just beware lol
An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!- Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.
"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy talking to two guys in a Fiat Uno."
A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"
- A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
- The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens !!
- Subject: Fw: Sometimes, you need to be quiet!!!!!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You just shut your flaming mouth up ??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part.... :
'Only when he's pissed.'
- Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy was driving home, the worse for wear, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For pete’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
- ah some very funny ones there ! Im laughing out loud.
I see this page has now been viewed more than 30,000 times. keep em coming guys...everyone's laughing. - After having their 11th child (Chelsey Paris Britney
McGuffy), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want
to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the
doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework, put it in an
empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10..
The husband said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the
sharpest chisel in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a
firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no
tae huv ony mair weans.'
Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the couple went home, the husband lit a banger and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count: '1' '2' '3' '4''5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. - Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. - A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
................................................................................
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'- The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ..
even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a great day! - Gawd Harry thats a scream!! I laughed out loud at that one.
Well done Roger, must remember that trick with the grass on the shoes!! - Some great jokes there lol
- Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************** ***************************************************** **************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
“that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk..
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR L AST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing..
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" - Sisters of St Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought...Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back
in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
- Why the smile?
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened, an Inspector turns up and is curious as to the smiles.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died Of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery,
spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'. - A letter to God
A man working for the Royal mail had the job of tracking strange addresses and difficult handwriting on envelopes.
One day a letter addressed to God in shaky handwriting came to his desk.
The letter read
Dear God
I am a 93 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse which had 100 Pounds in it.It was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas Day and I had invited my last living friend over for dinner.
Without that money I have nothing to buy food with and have no family to turn to, you are my only hope. Can you please help me ?
Sincerely
Edna.
The Postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers, and each one dug into their purse or wallet and came up with a few quid.
By the time he made the rounds he had collected 95 quid which they put in an envelope and sent it to the woman.
They all felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and her friend enjoying their dinner.
Christmas came and went and a few days later another letter from Edna addressed to God arrived. All the workers gathered round while the letter was opened.
It read.
Dear God
How can I thank you enough for what you did for me. Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend. We had a lovely day and I told her of your wonderful gift.
By the way there was 5 Quid missing. I think it was probably those bstds* at the Post Office.
Sincerely
Edna - Murphy and the Job application.
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Polish gentleman applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give this Polish man the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 this gentleman here wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’." - Spanish maid
A lesson in the fine art of good negotiating. Have your case well prepared ~ the Spanish maid did ...
The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
"Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is dat I iron better dan jou."
"Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria says, "Jor husban' say so."
"Oh!"
"The second reason is dat I am a better cook dan jou."
"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
"Jor husban' did."
"Oh!"
"The third reason is dat I am better at sex dan jou in bed."
The wife, really furious now, demands, "Did my husband say that as well?"
"No Senora ... the gardener did."
"So Maria, how much do you want?" - To Be 10 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge
of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
he asked, what she'd like to have for her
birthday.
'I'd like to be ten again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Thorpe Park theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being ten again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get
it wrong. - One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde .
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips
a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!! - A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff !
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex,my vagina is now the size of
A 50 pence piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away over 45 pence?"
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
- Pride in our kids...
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Admin and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday..'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of it's assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday..... 30,000 sq foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?'
The fourth man replied 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’ - SPAGHETTI
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce - Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
Labour , I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!
A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'
- three men die on Christmas eve to get into heaven st peter says you must have something on you that represents Christmas, the English man flick on his lighter and says its a candle. in he goes, welsh man pulls out a set of keys jingles them and says they are bells, In He Goes. The Irish man pulls out his 10in cock and st peter says how dose that represent Christmas paddy says its a F***ing Cracker isn't it
- The Fairy & The Immigrant
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant
outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said. .
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us.
And she disappeared ! - HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
- When Sepp Blatter was asked to name his favorite Qatar player he said Eric Clapton!
- pat says to his friend mick "christmas falls on a friday this year".
mick replies "let's hope it is not the 13th".
> > A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on
> > the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
> > daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,
> > and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
> >
> > "What are you doing?!" she asked.
> >
> > "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
> > answered.
> >
> > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> >
> > "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
> >
> > "Love dress? But you're naked!"
> >
> > "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."
> >
> > It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
> > instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
> > enough of me"
> >
> > The mother-in-law left.
> >
> > When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> > dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting
> > for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
> >
> >
> > He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
> >
> > "What are you doing?" he asked.
> >
> > "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
> >
> > "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
> >
> > He never heard the gunshot.
> > A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on
> > the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
> > daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,
> > and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
> >
> > "What are you doing?!" she asked.
> >
> > "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
> > answered.
> >
> > "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> >
> > "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
> >
> > "Love dress? But you're naked!"
> >
> > "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."
> >
> > It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
> > instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
> > enough of me"
> >
> > The mother-in-law left.
> >
> > When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> > dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting
> > for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
> >
> >
> > He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
> >
> > "What are you doing?" he asked.
> >
> > "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
> >
> > "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
> >
> > He never heard the gunshot.- After a night out pubcrawling in Dover followed by menu B at the star of India, old Jacob went home to whitfield, climbed the stairs and passed out on the bed to a dreamfilled sleep.
He dreamt he'd died and St Peter had said he could go back to living but only as a chicken or a fox. As he'd kept chickens in the back garden he decided to be reincarnated as one.
He finds himself in his back yard picking up scraps of food from the dirt when a large Rhode Island cock starts making overtures and mounts him, in the afterglow he gets to talking to this bird when he suddenly feels pressure building up, don't worry said the cock, it's only an egg, just push away and it'll pop out, after much clucking and squawking, the egg pops out, right says the Rhode Island cock time for another one and mounts him again, this time the egg started coming away more easily but he was awakened by his wife roughly shaking him and shouting Jake, Jake wake up you've just sh*t the bed....... - A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a
special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for
one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex
for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We
tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our
minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with
her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted
for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'
admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you
will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at
Homebase, either.'!!! - Christmas the Dover teenager way....
12 hoop earings,
11 fake armanis,
10 lambert & butler,
9 pm curfew,
8 young children,
7 different fathers,
6 grams of coke,
5 sovereign rings,
4 stolen alloys,
3 different asbos,
2 cans of stella,
and a Jeremy Kyle dvd !!!!
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.- An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
‘My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned, the mother said,
'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
‘they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."
A young lady walked into a Police Station in Adelaide and
the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road next to the Oval" she
replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park
near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes
and dragged me in there, removed my underwear
then he dropped his pants to his knees and had
his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white
trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,
one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most
probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You
worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he
wasn't in for very long..."
- Now that was funny, keep 'em coming : )
- A chap was flicking between the fishing the TV channels first Fishing then Golf and then the Porn channels.
His wife was getting realy anoyed but still he kept flicking, Fishing, Golf then Porn.
His wife blew, "OK for goodness sake put it on the dam Porn Channel and leave it there. You know how to bloody fish and play golf" - For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
- Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide? He just lost the huile d'olive.
- Kate Middleton sent a text to the Queen:
"Given how long you and Prince Philip have been married can you tell me the secret of a long relationship?"
The Queen replied:
"wear a seat belt and don't p**s me off" - A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 16, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
- The organist;
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said....
Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday. - So I said I liked chocolate
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts! - As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!"
- At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
> the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking
> the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you
> buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
> there's too little left to be of any use?"
>
> "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to
> the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
> bandages."
>
> "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
> question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
>
> "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
> left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
>
> "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to
> trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
> to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
> package of plaster."
>
> "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
> the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
> leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
> "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save
> all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
> once a year they send us a complete dick."
>
> - 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
- EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM.......
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
Under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?'
He asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
Awful lot of money! An Irish bartender cured me for $10. I was so
Happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new
Pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I
ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
There now!!!
SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR IRISH BARTENDER!!
- TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....
The doorman said.......................
"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
A very successful attorney parked
his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and
completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day
before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any
car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the
lawyer...................
"My Rolex!"
- Kate Middleton asked the Queen the secret of a long life. The queen replied "wear a seat belt and dont mess me around."
- Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'..
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University).
So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.
"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possiblymarry Richie Benaud because he's just ..
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!" - ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help!
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
Subject: FW: Giraffe test
Approach these logically and you'll get the right answers -----
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
- A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that ? I just ordered
a glass of champagne,too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me,
I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
- Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down
with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
I said,
'Make me.'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
- A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them. - Apparently a drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that potential suicide bombers know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise - This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.
A Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life!
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,
'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynaecologist.'
The priest fainted - A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milderthan his wife ..
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.
- A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies.
The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties.
As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed.
Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven.
When man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost.
"How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth."
"Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."
Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.
"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'
The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"
Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."
"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."
At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fricken bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!" - A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God b! less Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
How to wash a cat.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying
this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely
The Dog
- The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia
Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her
18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down... And
shot off their testicles.
"The old lady spent a week hunting those men down and, when she found them, she
took revenge on them in her own special way," said Melbourne police investigator
Evan Delp.
Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the
sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:
"Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room
where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors
managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't
lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way
he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad
shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been
through."
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was
carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section
of town bordering on skid row.
"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I
was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would
go easy on them,"' recalled the retired library worker.
" And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a gun and I've been
shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law
changed about owning one."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of
the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested
neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists
entering their flophouse hotel.
"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and
took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the oldster
recalled...
"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, and
the minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the
legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and
shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.
Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the
vigilante granny.. "What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is
difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison," Det. Delp said, "especially
when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor."
DEPORT HER TO CANADA , AMERICA AND THE UK - WE NEED HER! - I would like to share an experience with all you, to do with drinking and
driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home in recent months. Well I for one have done something
about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.
Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted,
I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,
as I have never driven a bus before.
The Chief Executives of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) all attended this event.
They had lunch together at the same table in the restaurant of the hotel.
A waitress appeared and asked what they wanted to drink.
The CE of Tooheys says without hesitation, “I'll have a ‘Tooheys New’.”
The CE of Cascade smiles and says, “I'll have a ‘Cascade Draught’, brewed from pure mountain water.”
The CE of Coopers proudly says, “I'll have a ‘Coopers’, the King of Beers.”
The CE from Carlton says, “I'll have a ‘Carlton Draught’, the cleanest draught on the planet.”
And finally, the CE from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, “I'll have a Diet Coke.”
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs, smiles & adds, “Well if you lot aren't drinking beer, then neither will I.”