I heard a report on Radio FOUR this morning which said that Santa Claus makes a very poor role model not only for young people, but for all of us, because he is obese and drinks far too much. We cant be having fat guys appearing to be having a jolly old good time and even though they are fat.. they continue eating ever more mince pies.
On top of all that... this Santa Claus guy has a swift sherry in every house, so by the time he reaches No7 Acacia Ave he is piddled bigtime. You must remember as he leaves Acacia Ave he will still be driving that lethal sleigh thing with seven or eight unruly reindeer pulling it, with him himself out of control, his brain fried on cheap Spanish Oloroso. Oh the poor animals!
On top of that...if all that wasnt enough, he enters each house by covert means...slithering over the roof in a clandestine manner and slipping inside while people are sleeping. Why cant he ring the doorbell like everyone else? He's just a role model for Burglars clearly.
A UN resolution is needed. A move is now afoot to make sure that from now on all future Santas will be thin, will not drink, and will ride a bicycle while delivering every year....okay so why cant Santa's be thin...what have you got against thin people?
Happy Chrismas Santa 
. (Not the humbug remake).