Guest 713- Registered: 19 Mar 2011
- Posts: 342
#1
-If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
-Take my advice — I'm not using it.
-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. Alternatively you will probably stand a good chance of not putting your foot in your mouth !!!!
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two chaps managed to jump out of her way.
-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most chaps are the do-it-yourself type.
-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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Bob Whysman
- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#2
( Sue Nicholas wrote on a Fly the Flag posting):
Quote, "Can't be me hat is missing.It made me chuckle." Unquote
Dignity was restored then Ms Nicholas?
An elderly lady on a cruise ship was holding her hat tight so that it would not be blown away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam....your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Do nothing and nothing happens.
Sue Nicholas- Location: river
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 6,025
#3
Bob how true
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#4
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#5
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man.
" I just heard you closed the deal for £65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get you a better deal . See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!
Do nothing and nothing happens!
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#6
Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.
The boss John says, You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what You say, I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house!
Do nothing and nothing happens!
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#7
Mother Superior makes an announcement to the rest of the nuns. "we now have a case of chlamydia in the convent."
An old nun at the back shouts, "well I hope its better than that case of chardonnay we had last week."
Do nothing and nothing happens!
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#8
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. "Nurse" he mumbles " are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says "there is nothing wrong with them sir".
Man pulls off the mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "thanks for that - it was wonderful, but listen very very closely and carefully in future..... Are-my-test-results-back?"
Do nothing and nothing happens!
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#9
Do nothing and nothing happens.
howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
#10
Blimey Bob I saw that on a seaside post card when I was still at school so it must be er erm more than ten years old.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#11
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a farm for several years. At the back was a large pond. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables and chairs and some apple and peach trees.
One evening he decided to go down to the pond taking a bucket with him to bring back some fruit.
As he got near he heard voices shouting and laughing and saw that it was a group of women skinny dipping in the pool. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went into the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned.
“ I didn't come down to watch you ladies bathing naked, or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator”
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howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
#12
howard mcsweeney1- Location: Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 62,352
#13
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#14
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.............
'Where's my toast?'
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#15
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#16
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#17
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What?s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#18
Two women were playing golf. One tee'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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Guest 1835- Registered: 3 Sep 2016
- Posts: 13
#19
I was in a bank in Deal today when an old lady asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over..
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,948
#20
Role Reversal
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.
On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation:
"What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
Do nothing and nothing happens.
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