Bob Whysman
- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
When you find true love, hold onto it with both hands....
............because sometimes, tacos can be hard to handle.
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Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
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Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed said and that there was no need for his good time being spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early enough decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could; copping a little touch here and there and a little kiss when possible.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished ... .....Naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?" "You know.” He said “I never even danced one dance, when I got there I met Pete and Bill Browning and some other guys. So we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.........."
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, “He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.”
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.”
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
“That's once a day . You could REALLY learn something from this one.”
I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.”
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Weird Granny Slater
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 7 Jun 2017
- Posts: 3,003
'America is a force for good in the Middle East.'
https://www.state.gov/the-u-s-continued-partnership-with-iraq/
It's the way she tells them.
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'Pass the cow dung, my dropsy's killing me' - Heraclitus
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
So I was at the barbershop the other day.
While I was being cut an old man came in.
"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because I’ve got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."
"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small wooden ball in your mouth and press it against your cheek while I trim your sideburns there."
So the man takes the wooden ball in his mouth and follows the barber's directions.
"Well I’ll be damned! This is the cleanest shave I’ve had in years", cries the old man.
"I’ve got to ask though", said the old man. "What would've happened if I accidentally swallowed the ball?".
"Oh not a problem", said the barber. "It happens quiete often. People just return the ball the next day".
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Oops!
Quote) It happens quiete often. (Unquote)
It happens quite often!
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Terry Nunn
- Location: London Road, Dover
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 4,302
Q - Why is there such a huge demand for toilet rolls?
A - Because when one person sneezes ten people shit themselves!
Boom boom.
Terry
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Button
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 22 Jul 2016
- Posts: 3,030
**A day in the life of a Facebook group***
Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb on Facebook?
-----------------------
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
249 to post meme's and gif's.
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
12 to post F.
80 to ask what F means.
16 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.
19 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
13 to comment "Me too".
5 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the $!%cking light bulb controversy.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
22 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.
349 to post flounce memes.
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
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(Not my real name.)
Weird Granny Slater- Location: Dover
- Registered: 7 Jun 2017
- Posts: 3,003
All that, and nowt about lumens or recycling? Another discussion needed.
Bob Whysman, Jan Higgins, Judith Roberts and
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'Pass the cow dung, my dropsy's killing me' - Heraclitus
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Weird Granny Slater wrote:All that, and nowt about lumens or recycling? Another discussion needed.
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Barack and Trump found themselves at a local barbershop. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump reached for the aftershave. Donald was quick to stop him, saying, "No thanks. My wife, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
Pablo, James Hayes, Reginald Barrington and
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James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
Are stevedores quay workers?
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Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.
The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.
I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.
So I told them my name was Mocha.
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Brian Dixon
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 23 Sep 2008
- Posts: 23,940
if you are making a face mask out of a bra, use the left cup, if you use the right cup you go around feeling a right tit
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James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
“I’m in luck” I thought when the wife said she
was putting a black lace number on... Then I
heard Agadoo from the next room.
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
“I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I'm really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It's not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that's your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
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James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
A romantic body builder on a date takes off his shirt and the
blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite,
baby.” He takes off his pants and the blonde
says, “What massive calves you have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of
dynamite, baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde
goes running out of the house screaming
in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and
chases after her. He catches up to her and asks
why she ran out of the house like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around
all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse
was”.
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Bring back proper apprenticeships !