James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
If Benny and Björn from ABBA had been
called Steve and Dave, they would have been
known as ASDA.
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
James Hayes- Location: Ramsgate but still house hunting in Dover !
- Registered: 22 Apr 2017
- Posts: 38
I used to cough to cover up a fart. Now I fart to cover up a cough.
Bob Whysman, Jan Higgins and Pablo like this
Bring back proper apprenticeships !
Bob Whysman
- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
An old man in his 90's is watching tv and a sexy commercial comes on.
After the ad the old fella realizes he has a stiffy. He gets up and shuffles into the kitchen to show his wife.
"MARTHA!!! MARTHA!!! Look at this. What should i do with it?" His wife looks up at him and replies," You might as well clean it now that you got the wrinkles out of it".
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Just been into Tesco's it was nuts, they had no toilet paper at all. Reluctantly I headed to the checkout to the ask if they had any. A firm"NO" was the answer.
Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles was a walk I never want to do again.
Brian Dixon and The Gov like this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
She's single... She lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening and was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said,
"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you keep an eye my dog?"
Jan Higgins likes this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Guest 3706- Registered: 21 Jul 2020
- Posts: 126
Thanks to Covid, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up.
None of them is Happy.
Brian Dixon, Jan Higgins, Bob Whysman and
1 more like this
Brian Dixon, Jan Higgins, Bob Whysman and Reginald Barrington like this
Reginald Barrington
- Location: Dover
- Registered: 17 Dec 2014
- Posts: 3,233
I thought they all lived together?
Arte et Marte
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Two old firemen decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the 2 old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, Im not wasting two of my girls on them. They wont know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!" " Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?" "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "It could be worse. I think mine was a witch." " A witch? Why the hell would you say that?" " Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. She farted and flew out the window. Took my damn teeth with her.
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Guest 3706- Registered: 21 Jul 2020
- Posts: 126
My wife accused me of having sex behind her back....................who does she think was round there all these years!
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
An aeroplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'
The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you, America 's smartest President took my schoolbag’.........................
Ross Miller, Jan Higgins and The Gov like this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, “you’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”
My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day. Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Immediately afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained. . ........ “The egg timer is broken.”
Jan Higgins and Pablo like this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Walking along the pavement yesterday, I got sprayed by a snow plough.
“Sod you,” I shouted through gritted teeth.
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife.
Pablo, Jan Higgins and The Gov like this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Sue Nicholas- Location: river
- Registered: 12 Mar 2008
- Posts: 6,018
Keep them coming .makes me smile
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?"
"No,” said the man.
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!" the man says indignantly.
"Thats not my dog.”
Alec Sheldon, The Gov and Pablo like this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Granny and Grandad were sat at the breakfast table and Granny says to Grandad... “My nipples are hot for you this morning as they were 50 years ago.”
Grandad replies...”Of course they are dear... one’s in your tea and the others in your porridge!!”
The Gov likes this
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Granddad. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandmother and bursts into her Granddads room .
"Granddad, Granddad,” she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"Why?" Asked her Granddad.
"Make a noise like a frog Grandpa, because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !"
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Obama kept boasting that his troops had killed Bin Laden, so Osama Bin Laden sent him a message with his signature on the bottom.
It read: 370HSSV- 0773H. Obama is puzzled so sends for his Chief of Staff and orders him to read the ‘Coded message.’
He can’t so Obama sends for the C.I.A. the F.B.I and N.A.S.S.A. but none of them can, so they contact the Prime Ministor of Israel.
He looks at the Fax. and immediatly Faxes back to the U.S. "Ref. coded message, turn it upside down."
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
Do nothing and nothing happens.
Bob Whysman- Registered: 23 Aug 2013
- Posts: 1,934
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son that they had always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to be looking at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I have fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “No, not this time!”
Do nothing and nothing happens.